To ...LoVe?????????????

Yes to love, because i have figured it is the only thing we can't control. The only thing we can blame for our deep sadness and incredible missery...because there is no way to make someone fall for you when they don't want to ...because above all the happiness it bring...it's pain is Unbearable and unforgivable..


to the heart that will no longer...LOVE!

Moving In, Moving Out, Moving On

Itès been a while, I know, I am wrting to myself more than to anybody else. It has been a long time since I spoke my soul out which is the only way to escape this insane world. I feel powerful today, I have gotten my new place and I will be moving in tomorrow.

I am finally leaving my house to leave on my own and create my own life, I will be able to feel free and to embark on any mission wihtout fear of dislike or denigration...I feel free. I am nervous but I can not say I am scare, I feel I can make it and I know I can. I just wish everything goes well.

I am also moving on, moving on from that feeling of necessity to love someone, having felt what I felt I know that feelings evolve and are outgrown. There is no need to cry for someone who does not love you back, there is not much time to cry over it anyway. There are many choices out of feeling so empty, I wanted to belive it was possible, I deeply wanted to fall in love again and make it worth while but once again the blind street of love has taken my heart and broke it. Now, I only live to love myself, it is so much easier.

The Words I Long To Hear

Sometimes you meet the right people at the very wrong time, some other days you know the right people and then you discover they are not right at all. I keep trying to be a good person and not to hurt others

I know I love you, right now that I am here missing you and wanting so bad to be with you I know I do but I also know there is too much I have to do and to say more than anything before I can actually face the fact that this is the way I feel. Since I met you and knew there will be something between you and me, I told myself this will take me to a place I had never been before.

I am there and I like what I feel, I know I might be able to lie to myself but I heard the words I never tought I would yesterday and I know I have to do this. There are the feeling and there is the reality that we must face.



'With love, you should go ahead and take the risk of getting hurt because love is an amazing feeling.'Britney Spears

While Seeing An Airplane....

I was sitting there @ 11:53am waiting for Daddy to arrive from Halifax. I never thought such solitude will take me rigth back to the start, but there I was and I somehow flew back to the person I once wanted so bad to be...

I am getting back to school next wednesday; going to Wheable G.A and please don't take me wrong it is not that I do not want to go to school or that I do not know how important it is to do it but once again I thought how fast I am getting trapped in a life I never wanted for myself. I am getting my credits done to get into Business Marketing Administration @ Fanshawe in January sponsored by the hateful hours that I worked at Helliance (Doug they did pay me EI and now MTCU...don't get happy for my luck...since it is not the luck I waited for).


It's Fall, not only the cold that is rapidly increasing and the snow that is yet to fall next Monday, the actual season sums up for how I am feeling inside. I am starting to freeze up and I fear I might be stuck there for a while which might become the worst of times to ever experience. I think I need to run away and I know it's possible and I also am very certain I can't do it.

I remembered how much I wanted to travel and how much I loved the idea of learning French, graduate in Flight Attending and going into that for some years. Now I am getting into Business beacause it is a profitable career that will get me a "JOB" once am done and then I will never have to take EI again. Wait what about my dreams? myself? My life? My Heart? My soul? did I say My DrEaMs??????

Here I am once again screwing my life guided by the people who really know what I should do and how I should do it.


On the other hand: I might just once Again BE.....guess what?


IN LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whether it will last or not and if it is for real ...I can't answer that right now or ever. I am just feeling something bigger and better. If you wonder about "The One" well no worries I am forever cured by his own amazing attitude...now he is only "The One That Could Have Been" just like in Friends:

After Rachel finds our that Barry (her ex-fiancé) & Mindy (her ex-best friend) were getting divorced, the friends imagine what life would be like if: *Ross was still married to Carol, *Rachel had married Barry. *Phoebe had taken a job offer at 'Meryl Lynch' *Chandler had quit his job & wrote stories for 'The Newyorker'. *Joey was still on 'Days of our lives' & *Monica was still fat. ... Written by Phoebe_Friends_Fan

The Group of 6 imagine what could have been, if something in their lives had been different. For Ross, it's if he hadn't realized Carol was a lesbian, if Monica was still fat, if Rachel had married Barry, if Chandler had decided to be a comic, and if Joey was still on Days of our Lives.

So, there it is I posted the hardest thing I have ever written, the very truth about my life, the life I have never choosen for myself, the life I don't want to live, the life I am living.

Is it Over?

I keep my head up all the time,
I think I am scare of my self
the real one, the one I keep hiding from the world.

I want to go back to myself but I just can't find the road to it, I haven't been writing at all. Not in my Journal, my blog or my dream journal; I am not writing poetry or sad tragedy. I haven't been doing any of those things that make me...Me.
Now still waiting to be able to say what I really feel, I sit here in the little time that I have the priviledge of spending with myself and decide to go back to my Blog.

Here with my soul so hidden from my heart, with my mind so messed up with the lies I tell myself; I sit writing. So much has happened, it's been months and I just realize that so many things get missed by my blog and really they just get missed by me. I am by nature a social person and also a friend but I believe I need to fix some issues I have:

* I can't let people meddle in my life so much

* I must take the chances I wish whenever I want

* I Need not to trust people so much, actually I HAVE to not trust people anymore

* I must say what I feel, when it is most certainly necessary to do it

* I need to set standards and I must not conform with less

* I need to trust my instinct and stick to the fact that I have to take decisions based on them

* I can't ask others their opinion of my relationships, I must do what I feel and think is right

If I hopefully am able to do this and apply this to my life I am very sure it will get way better and I will be able to be free of the responsabilities I am taking upon myself and do not belong to me. People need to let me live my life my way.

Times of Insanity

I have been writing thoughts in my head, I have been thinking that I might be able to make it all happen. I have been making love to you in my head over and over again. I have certainly talk myself into forgetting I ever,ever loved you...and yet again I have wasted all this time since I still feel for you.

Wherever it is the reason why I still feel so confused over whether or not I love him is real. Now I have decided to engaged myself in a let's say "Open Relationship... I have discover I don't fear intimacy as I used to and I no longer believe in Love or at least in making love. However I think I have found myself to be unreasonably helpful to others and incredibly unhelpful to myself and this must stop in order for me to make the best out of my own life..

Yes! It's probably why half the puzzle in still unfinished and the pressure is higher as I am to move out by November the first ..then I will tell and I will know where I am going at least tomorrow, which is scary enough.

Unbelievable

This is definitely the only word I need to say right now, well Speechless seems more like it but I am going to stick with Unbelievable. I can't quite understand people lately, I am so tired and frustrated with all the pressure they put on my shoulders and how invasive they have become just shocks me. I just think that this is certainly my fault since I try so hard to make people happy I always end up giving them too much and then they feel like they have rights.

Rights; let's talk about that! How can people think they have the ability to manage my time and they can ask inappropriate questions and be rude just because I am such a good friend an give the best of myself.

After a weekend of incredible guilt I have now realize it's my fault for giving them so much trust and letting them into my life, I must now draw a line and point where MY life, privacy and rights are to myself. I have to make my "friends" understand that even though I love then to death and I am there for them, I got things of my own and most of all I OWN myself. I can't believe I even feel like I owe them! Shocking, all I have to say is...I am happy My Resolutions for this year are getting done and I will go back to focusing on MYSELF!

I have a car!!!! Not exactly a brand new car, but that's coming! I have too much to worry for already to go and get upset 'cause of other people, No Way. I now get it this is the message I was to get...Hello Kathy!! You gotta get back to You! They will have to work it out and you will have to make it on your own as always.


Ps: Doug I Miss YOU! You were one of those friends that are there for support but are not invasive...I miss you!

Finally

Working on forgetting helps you to never finally forget, working on moving on gets you so busy you eventually just forget. Here I am, not the me you knew OH!! NO!! The me I didn't even know, I have been able to get over the feeling, the curse has unleashed and I am free to live yet again amid the craziness of this never ending story.

September was to become a nightmare but people has saved my soul and I have saved my own life; The One (who no longer is anything closer to that), has come back to my life in such time where I realized I no longer feel a bit of love for him and as I read "Hate is a feeling directly link to love yet indifference has the ability to kill". I felt indifferent to his suffering and his sadness, I still feel some remains of love in the deepest, darkest places of my heart but now I just can't love him anymore. I have decided to be his friend and I will "Be there" as much as possible, I will do as much as I can to make his life easier.

Not that he deserves any of it, this is the way I feel because I fell and I fell way to hard.

The Purpose of My Existance

It has been quite a while since I woke up and got ready with the thought of making myself look amazing every day for someone else to see me. The purpose of doing something gives you the ability to to feel better about yourself each and every day.

Things have change a lot; I feel happier, fuller and energized. I know myself better and I have a better idea of where I want to go and where I will exploit and give the best of myself to make others happy.

I want to write, I want to focus on exploiting my abilities on being all that I want to be and prioritizing what matters the most to me...

I am on an emotional roller coaster that it's and will always be endless.

Living it up!

Here it goes

I haven't been escaping, not that I don't actually wish to be able to scape because I most certainly do. I just have been through so much (I am always going trough so much) I want to understand, I know I won't get there. My heart is not going crazy, it has shut down and I don't want to feel nothing for nobody anymore.

Doug tell me how much time, how many nights? How many stars gotta fly by my window and how many times do I have to tell myself that it isn't worth it. I just keep my memories away and try to convince myself that sometime it will be over, that I won't dream of us, that I don't secretly wish for us...the us that could never be, the us that never was, the us that will probably never come to be.