On Love

Waking up everyday, trying not so hard to understand most things. Wondering whether or not these are the right choices but time goes by too fast to even be able to choose before hand. So, taking easy...it actually sounds easier than it is. I want to believe in most things I do, I don't want to make the same mistakes but yet again I want to live and one thing is completely opposite to the other.

As you move on, in life. You realize which the important things are, you are able to see your life from a different perspective and it gets so much harder to make mistakes. Yes, just like that to make mistakes, just because you now know how much will they change your life either for good or bad.

Taking changes in love for example, it gets harder and harder every time. There is a point where you just don't feel like believing in anything, anymore. The thought of loving ...scares me. I certainly think it freaks me out, completely. I just don't feel like going through this all over again.

Somehow, I think ...I know. I have always belong to someone. I was just trying really hard not to keep on loving "Him". Why is it? There is an emptiness, an unfulfillable emptiness without this being in your life. This is when your day to day becomes purposeless, when everything seems unreasonably sad and when regardless of how much people you have....you feel completely empty.

There is the need of purpose and purpose gets so much easier when there is someone walking with you and telling you, that you'll make it. The lack of purpose and the unbearable routine can and will take you back to square one. Dreaming on it.

My Birthday Resolutions

• Love, love …life!
• Try to make everyday unforgettable
• Start up a dreams journal
• Try to do everything I regret not doing in the past
• Finally buy a telescope
• Learn To Play the Piano
• Get my G2 and my brand new car
• Get back to my guitar at least once a week
• Get into U/C, at least apply to a program even though this depends on some other factors.
• Go somewhere new, go to Colombia, finally go to Miami
• Definitely get out a bit more often , more family time…much more family time
• Read one book a month at least
• Buy a new Cd and Book every month
• Start up my savings account
• Plan my wanted business and get it started, at least financially.
• Get money for my mom’s house, wherever she wants it.
• Try to see all the movies I haven’t…the trilogies specially.
• Strive to be happy !!!


Due date: June 18,2009

Legally Able To.........?

So, everything that could possibly happen did, including my b-day and I did nothing. Well I have come to a point where I don't want to push anything to happen. I will strive to succeed and be happy and all that but not push things to make them happen.

Where to start...Will just write on the Highlights of the past week and a half:

***** Must Be Advised Some of the Things Were Not Great****

- Monday - Lest we forget..R.I.P Monachito ( Enough Said).

- Tuesday - Decided to love and get back together with my family :)...That's a lot in such a small time frame.
Got my sister to London and called my cousin to get here too.


- Wednesday - Nataly got here and had the most amazing family time ever...After all everything does happen for a reason.


- Thursday - Got out and ate out ( just like most of that week...since I finally got EI to pay me after 3 months of hunger and desperation).


- Friday - The girls where going back to their cities, went to Demetre's and had the best meal ever!!! OHHHHH!! And that Piña Colada was GREATTTTTTTTT.



- Saturday - Rehersal, Food Festival....Lonely apartment again. Oh..Wait it does get better. Went out to see the soccer game and after all I did advised you my dreams are signals...i had the encounter of the year with "HIM". I guess that's that and I still wonder why I felt that way ? Will get into this later though, hard enough as it is.
After years of hiding in the cave when out to a party and it wasn't that bad at all, saw someone I love!!!!!!! And catch up on life, hope to see u soon.
Yes, it does keep going. I got drag into this after party...asleep as I was. Had fun really ...It's just that it was a long day.A Night To Remember.





- Sunday - OHH Sunday ..It was almost impossible for me to wake up but I had to and I did so I went to the Food Fest. I went to this Barbecue and Happily slept in the afternoon until like 9:00pm.

- Monday - Back to school ( I did go to school all last week, I just was mentally absent and I did no homework whatsoever). Went to Puppetilandia to celebrate father's day and realize how I never really fit anywhere.

- Tuesday - Had to get my nails done, one broke and it sucks and it hurts a lot. Got nothing done, have missed Gym a lot which upsets me.

- Wednesday - My B-day...some people called, I hate that they are so far away from me and I did nothing as always. Some calls where expected and never gotten, felt crazy empty, and completely lonely + Alone + Both! Got the pictures for the Londoner taken and attempted to see the soccer game...ended up at home alone wanting to see a movie. Trying to find a dress for the contest, "studying". Went to sleep @ 1:00am.


I am 19!!!!

Just Sadness

I am just feeling empty, soulless, unreasonably lonely and incredibly unable to "fit in". It's not like I really care about fitting in, I certainly don't care for that anymore. I have my own world and I like it but sometimes you know, it's like the absence of something is very present in me, of something that makes me ...Me and that which makes me be.

The fact that your existence is based on others and if others don't acknowledge you are there then you simply don't exist, makes me wonder if I really want all this. Wherever it is belonging means I simply can't find it here. I still after all this time feel completely out of place.

There are no words for the way I am feeling and there aren't reasons to keep trying so hard to reach something you deep down know you will never find. It's the warmth, is the lovely feeling of knowing you are not alone, even if there is only one person but for that person you are they're everything.

.....Back to dreams....yes they do come truth I said I will tell so I am...Remember all that dreaming with this kid? Well I saw him this weekend...I knew it my dreams never lie. Wherever will come I will let it happen and I will live it.

So, really for like crying...I will...will write on the story I never finished soon enough at least not to be easily forgotten.



I love you Luna I do very Much ...I hope I can stick around but deep down I know it won't be long.

Love In The World

When sex and the city becomes ...Love in the City. I start thinking if you are really supposed to wait around, to love regardless?
To ask for forgiveness, to call or not to call? To say it...and what to say!

It's not all about love but it comes to a point where you start wondering and trying to understand takes you places you never thought you'll be. The point is that love is so overrated and it's portrayed so perfectly in movies and tv shows, you just want it to be like this in your life too. I am not saying this is the case in Sex & The City, it totally isn't...this is probably why I like this show, it's sincere about life and above all about love.

The movie though, I expected it to be a lot more like the show and a lot less like the old fashion Hollywood "Happily ever after". It made me think of all I have been through and how even if you run aways from someone or you tell yourself you feel nothing anymore you still do, because you can't manage your heart and it just chooses to love certain beings. I've always known you can't force yourself into forgetting someone but I never understood how much you could lie to yourself and making yourself believe you no longer care for certain people...when you Obviously feel a lot.

I don't want my blog to be all about love and tears and blablabla. This wasn't the purpose at all, I do have other blogs which must be purposely used and love just seems to be the topic of the year. Well, that's that for My Big and Carrie. I guess The One is The One!

So, I told you how I felt today...

You: Then just go and be with him(Miguel). I'll be with another people, other three girls. DO what you want.

Me: Okay, listen why do you have to be so rude?

You: Me? What did I say?

Me: It's just that it sucks, how you always say things like that and make feel bad when I can't tell you anything because you go get really angry and get mad, but how come you can say so many things without thinking before hand. And I can get angry with you over it?

You: I was kidding, I was kidding.

Me: Well, you are rude and I don't like your comments.

You: Okay, I was kidding, I was.

Me: I am sad now because of you, because of your words, because it hurts. ( I wanted to cry, even though you don't believe it..I love you and I get hurt).

You: Okay, I'll call you in ten minutes.

Me: Ok...bye. (Hung up angrily, upset,disappointed, you didn't even say sorry to me.

.......Later:

You: Hey, how are you?

Me: I am upset, cause you are rude and it hurts. The way you are.

You: Ok, let's talk later then.

.....Always running ...always just not feeling....

Then, I didn't call you back. I got on the bus and started thinking, that and I realized, this is the way you are and I don't want to make you someone you are not. So, I just wanted to come home and call you and tell you that, Tell you this is who you are and how you are, I no longer know whether you are kidding or not, it just made me feel bad. Anyways I do no expect you to think or lie, I want you to be YOU. That's it. So, there you go babe, be you...as long as we are together, I'll try to make it better for us ok? I'll be here, loving you, missing you...seeing you.

Words, People, Thoughts

It's late, I can't sleep and I can't cry. It's been hard, hard ...not even knowing what hard is...this is hard enough for now. I just think that sometimes we focus too much on the stupidest things or let me rephrase that ...ALL THE TIME!
The smallest most precious things are the best ones...I wish I finally learn how to live better know, just live ...No Worries....

R.I.P MonachitO

I just wish we didn't have to wait until someone leaves to realize how valuable life is. I guess the fact that he has left just gives us the hint into living, really living and loving regardless. We have so much to give and to get, focusing on the things that matter is what counts. I think we all need to fall in love with ourselves and treasure all we have.

It's so important to live by the the inspiration of every day, there is always something to look forward to.



To you MonachitO...who will be loved forever...we'll be seeing you.

WhaT MakeS U Happy

I just want to say:

Whoever can't follow their dreams are reasonably unhappy, whoever can't manage to see the glass half full will never see their life quite working.

I've been there, I am probably half the time there, but why will it be so hard when you have the answer in front of u? If you know the Problem you most definitely know the Solution to it. If you don't then you certainly do not know where the problem lies. I happen to know that we all seem to be pretty unhappy lately, it's what the world is about,..who is the unhappiness. I think the smallest things make you happy, then the same smallest things can make you incredibly sad.

I recovered most of my memories from a photo album and looking back into it, I realized all of us have always know where the problem is ans some of us even know what the problem is. So, knowing there is only one life to live and this is why we worry so much, we do have to get it right the first time trough since there is no proof we will have a chance at it again.

If this is the case, then why is it that we carry such weight in our backs and have so little intensity to live or to fix those problems that make our life unbearable? I guess deep down we like it this way, or we are so used to it we don't dare to dream of something better. We punish ourselves with out deceptions and sadness and just can't make it better ...Only because we don't want to.

So, there it is...we have the power to make it better at any point, costly or not we do have the chance to do it. So, ask yourself what is the problem? and why can't I at least try to fix it.

It’s not supposed to be that hard…

“It’ll end in tears”

I was just watching the “Bed, Bath & Beyond” episode of Will & Grace and realized how alike Grace’s relationship with Nathan was to mine with “The One”. There are so many things to think about when it comes to relationships and sometimes you get to think about them when it is already really late. Still I thought of it from another perspective and I wonder if it really comes down to this:
Should it really be easy?
I mean it’s love suppose to flow like a river, to just be without so much work or does it have to be something that you create along the way together …
It’s hard to know but realistically somehow I think it should be easier, if its right it will work effortlessly and why does it come down to the point where you seem to be forcing a relationship in order for it to work. I have been through my relationship with “The One” many times and I realized that I have been covering up for his mistakes in order to explain my devotion to loving him.

He lied and he was so full of excuses and I did so much, I did all I could just because I Loved Him but this is no excuse for keeping this feeling when I know that when we were together it just didn’t seem right. I felt like we had to do so much, most of the time to make it look good. Like when a piece in a puzzle fits almost right and yet is not the one that goes there.

There was emptiness, a wall, a something I still can figure out what it was. Once I realized it was so hard to make it work and when I remembered all the good times where just a few, I decided to look upon the reasons and the facts why it didn’t work.
At the beginning there was a relationship or the wish of a relationship that could have so easily work out, we were friends and we were good together and it simply seemed so appropriate, I guess you can get rapidly involve in the idea of something working when you want it so bad. When we met we seemed to be made for each other and we had a lot in common, it was hard knowing we were so far away an yet we did enjoy the time we share together; even though we broke up we still felt a lot for each other.

After a while when we stated talking again, we missed each other and we started working even with the distance in between we were mad in love and we just wanted to be together so bad. Maybe it was the way we dreamed so much of each other or the fact we were planning so much and unable to do most of it but I felt like doing anything and everything for US. I went there and I was freaking out, scared of the unknown future ahead of me.

When I was neared him I knew there was something missing, there was someone missing, the person I’ve met was not the one I was standing in front off. I was dating someone else, all his sweetness and qualities where gone and he became someone else. No one knows the person you are dating more than you; certainly I knew deep inside something wasn’t right.

There was so much missing and I wanted so bad to understand, I unfortunately couldn’t. After all I now know that he indeed was lying and he had decided he couldn’t do everything he had planned. He just figure out ways to get out of our relationship and to be able to blame me for it not working.

I can't say I was perfect, I had so many mistakes and I just try too hard, but I still tried and I still loved him...I actually still do. After all I just wanted us to be, so after so much trying, maybe like he said "It just wasn't put time".

Among lonely people are all those in loved ones that are still trying to understand why? Now you must know that answer probably is inside of you and you alone...
Inability lo love.





*********If DrEAmS WeRe NoT BeAuTiFuL, ThEy WoUlD QuIcKlY Be FoRGoTtEn.**********

So Much Going On...

I have been writing in scratch (Word) paper, my blog entries. I haven't been able to post any because my computer got a Virus and I have been unable to access my blog. I am happy to have gotten back to school and I am almost done this credit, just need one more and will finally get my High School Diploma. I want to look further into getting a career here, something in College or University which I need.

I look further to getting this done and finally be free to go wherever I want and be happy. Even though it is a state of mind, I will work hard now and be here for a while to be where I want to be. The Beauty Pageant is going and it's getting very close, very fast. I have no idea when I will be able to get a job and I really need to get one soon, since I have to go to Colombia either in September or December, the sooner the better.

Waiting for certain sings to know where to go, It is a crazy life and there is no right way anyway so gotta see what comes up. Living it up, pretty much doing the same things over and over again. Gym is great ...Hot Yoga ROCKS! Getting into the habit, now it seems harder to miss one day than to have to go one day, which is great.

I think I have understood why it didn't work with "The One", I've been writing the story and reading you understand so much better. Analyzing it from an outsiders point of view, just like it wasn't me who lived trough it. I will post it as soon as I am able to and I will let you know and judge. I just think it was better this way, even though it hurts a lot and it is not easy at all, it still was just how it had to be.

Reading "The Unbearable Lightness of the being" by Milan Kundera and understanding things that I already knew but just didn't see it as clear.