The Words I Long To Hear

Sometimes you meet the right people at the very wrong time, some other days you know the right people and then you discover they are not right at all. I keep trying to be a good person and not to hurt others

I know I love you, right now that I am here missing you and wanting so bad to be with you I know I do but I also know there is too much I have to do and to say more than anything before I can actually face the fact that this is the way I feel. Since I met you and knew there will be something between you and me, I told myself this will take me to a place I had never been before.

I am there and I like what I feel, I know I might be able to lie to myself but I heard the words I never tought I would yesterday and I know I have to do this. There are the feeling and there is the reality that we must face.



'With love, you should go ahead and take the risk of getting hurt because love is an amazing feeling.'Britney Spears

While Seeing An Airplane....

I was sitting there @ 11:53am waiting for Daddy to arrive from Halifax. I never thought such solitude will take me rigth back to the start, but there I was and I somehow flew back to the person I once wanted so bad to be...

I am getting back to school next wednesday; going to Wheable G.A and please don't take me wrong it is not that I do not want to go to school or that I do not know how important it is to do it but once again I thought how fast I am getting trapped in a life I never wanted for myself. I am getting my credits done to get into Business Marketing Administration @ Fanshawe in January sponsored by the hateful hours that I worked at Helliance (Doug they did pay me EI and now MTCU...don't get happy for my luck...since it is not the luck I waited for).


It's Fall, not only the cold that is rapidly increasing and the snow that is yet to fall next Monday, the actual season sums up for how I am feeling inside. I am starting to freeze up and I fear I might be stuck there for a while which might become the worst of times to ever experience. I think I need to run away and I know it's possible and I also am very certain I can't do it.

I remembered how much I wanted to travel and how much I loved the idea of learning French, graduate in Flight Attending and going into that for some years. Now I am getting into Business beacause it is a profitable career that will get me a "JOB" once am done and then I will never have to take EI again. Wait what about my dreams? myself? My life? My Heart? My soul? did I say My DrEaMs??????

Here I am once again screwing my life guided by the people who really know what I should do and how I should do it.


On the other hand: I might just once Again BE.....guess what?


IN LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whether it will last or not and if it is for real ...I can't answer that right now or ever. I am just feeling something bigger and better. If you wonder about "The One" well no worries I am forever cured by his own amazing attitude...now he is only "The One That Could Have Been" just like in Friends:

After Rachel finds our that Barry (her ex-fiancé) & Mindy (her ex-best friend) were getting divorced, the friends imagine what life would be like if: *Ross was still married to Carol, *Rachel had married Barry. *Phoebe had taken a job offer at 'Meryl Lynch' *Chandler had quit his job & wrote stories for 'The Newyorker'. *Joey was still on 'Days of our lives' & *Monica was still fat. ... Written by Phoebe_Friends_Fan

The Group of 6 imagine what could have been, if something in their lives had been different. For Ross, it's if he hadn't realized Carol was a lesbian, if Monica was still fat, if Rachel had married Barry, if Chandler had decided to be a comic, and if Joey was still on Days of our Lives.

So, there it is I posted the hardest thing I have ever written, the very truth about my life, the life I have never choosen for myself, the life I don't want to live, the life I am living.

Is it Over?

I keep my head up all the time,
I think I am scare of my self
the real one, the one I keep hiding from the world.

I want to go back to myself but I just can't find the road to it, I haven't been writing at all. Not in my Journal, my blog or my dream journal; I am not writing poetry or sad tragedy. I haven't been doing any of those things that make me...Me.
Now still waiting to be able to say what I really feel, I sit here in the little time that I have the priviledge of spending with myself and decide to go back to my Blog.

Here with my soul so hidden from my heart, with my mind so messed up with the lies I tell myself; I sit writing. So much has happened, it's been months and I just realize that so many things get missed by my blog and really they just get missed by me. I am by nature a social person and also a friend but I believe I need to fix some issues I have:

* I can't let people meddle in my life so much

* I must take the chances I wish whenever I want

* I Need not to trust people so much, actually I HAVE to not trust people anymore

* I must say what I feel, when it is most certainly necessary to do it

* I need to set standards and I must not conform with less

* I need to trust my instinct and stick to the fact that I have to take decisions based on them

* I can't ask others their opinion of my relationships, I must do what I feel and think is right

If I hopefully am able to do this and apply this to my life I am very sure it will get way better and I will be able to be free of the responsabilities I am taking upon myself and do not belong to me. People need to let me live my life my way.

Times of Insanity

I have been writing thoughts in my head, I have been thinking that I might be able to make it all happen. I have been making love to you in my head over and over again. I have certainly talk myself into forgetting I ever,ever loved you...and yet again I have wasted all this time since I still feel for you.

Wherever it is the reason why I still feel so confused over whether or not I love him is real. Now I have decided to engaged myself in a let's say "Open Relationship... I have discover I don't fear intimacy as I used to and I no longer believe in Love or at least in making love. However I think I have found myself to be unreasonably helpful to others and incredibly unhelpful to myself and this must stop in order for me to make the best out of my own life..

Yes! It's probably why half the puzzle in still unfinished and the pressure is higher as I am to move out by November the first ..then I will tell and I will know where I am going at least tomorrow, which is scary enough.