Dreams, Flashbacks and Memories

“You must know that in any moment a decision you make can change the course of your life forever: the very next person stand behind in line or sit next to on an airplane, the very next phone call you make or receive, the very next movie you see or book you read or page you turn could be the one single thing that causes the floodgates to open, and all of the things that you've been waiting for to fall into place.”

I had kept this paragraph in a draft here for years, I have no idea where it came from or where it was meant to go. I wanted to write all about dreams just because I keep hearing people say just get him out of your mind and get busy, you know no chat, phone, pictures, letters or any other thing that makes you remember he is or was ever alive and so later on you will not even remember he existed. Well, i sure have done all of it and then what about every time i dream of him all night or when sings come to me and his name pops up everywhere?

So whenever i get to fall sleep and start dreaming of him and the way I wish we were, it just all seems so easy and beautiful. The fact that I think this was the first time I really felt in love with someone and he just slipped out of my life so fast and without a trace is no longer here hurts.

I think what hurts the most is the memories I keep seeing over and over again in my head, how come happy moments last seconds even if took years to make them happen? It just takes so much time to forget someone you loved so much but i know I have to let this beautiful memories go away so that when I remember them, they don't hurt as much.

Wishes of him and I together keep hunting me with flashbacks of him laying down in my bed and the desire of the plans we made being real.

After all:

“If you can't, you must. If you must, you can.”

Me, myself and I

So its 8:34pm and I have so much to do, I haven’t been able to get anything done today because I keep thinking on how time has taken away so much of who I really was and now destiny or karma or whatever it is has decided to dump everything on me at once and show me that I really need to go back to the person I used to be instead of the person I’ve become.

It’s been two months since I came back from Colombia and from then on it seems like my routine is to keep on waiting on something to hit me, to go back to reality and I think it finally did, I’ve recently taken ways and making choices just for the sake of doing something but really why do experiences and people you met change or let’s say influence your life so highly.

Once I came back from Colombia on February the 27th and thought I had my life so perfectly planned there was no reason to panic or to even dream of something better I decided to start a journal, I had gotten this cute book (kind of diary thing) at a book store in Bogotá and never really thought I will be writing on it because I tend to plan so much I never get to do it. As I landed in Toronto after living the longest ten hours of my life and recovering from crying all the way there, it took me hours to finally get down to catch my Robert Q bus home to London, I realized I had been in Colombia and everything had happened so fast that I didn’t even enjoy or actually live those months. I sat at the airport and started writing on this journal, so many of those memories just came rushing in my head like rain pouring from the sky.

I wrote and read all, I felt and realized this was so useful, I have been keeping up with it as often as my schedule allows me to and I decided it was a really good idea and it is all about getting used to it and not let too many days go by without writing on it. Sincerely it has showed me the many things that can happen to you in a single day, a simple 24 hour day and it has also revealed the fact that days can go by unadvertised and be forgotten easily, days that I sit down and think …seriously what did I do on Monday? It’s so sad to think that we let days go by and do nothing meaningful to make them valuable and memorable.

I am quite scare to face that person I’ve put aside over the past two years, I know I’ve been hiding from the person I am and focusing on being this person people has created. I think it’s enough and I do believe in sings and destiny, so from now on I am just going to focus on re – creating myself and I am going to try and remember that person I used to be. I will dream again and live everyday to do something not anything but something that will make me happy and make my life worth living.

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be".

This week has given me the privilege of remembering who I was and has brought me time with people I met long ago when I wasn’t who I have become, and this reminded me of this quote it’s now proven to be real, I lived it and I am living it yet again. Thank God it finally hit me or else I will keep living this senseless life. To those who are back and to me who is back too! Great !

Sleepless Nights

When there is no way to please everyone and you try so hard to make others happy, you start leaving yourself behind and there is a point where you just can’t keep going on like this. How hard can it be to make people understand the fact that giving and not getting anything in return not only hurts but ruins feelings. After being dumped over msn yesterday and deciding to really think about what happened today, I still cannot believe there are persons that blindly love themselves so much they can’t even see how much others love them or what they are doing to make them happy. It is predictable that whenever they stop and realize they’ve lost people over and over again and feel lonely, they will have to accept that it takes two to make a relationship work and it is a big deal when you start finding easy ways out to get someone out of your life.




Is still pretty irritating when you think that people can’t be honest and it pisses me off when they are so much older than me and still act in such immature ways. I have no idea why there is people that can’t handle the truth and they want it all the time, being honest is a talent not too many have and a problem not too many can deal with. Now it’s been too many days that I barely sleep or eat properly and I can’t get the thought out of my head, I guess it does take time to forget and yes, it is a very serious topic. Which is really the easiest and fastest way to forget someone? I have no idea and I probably will never have the answer anyway, but there sure is a question that will remain on my head.
About love…
How to love and not to let it get out of hand when you are supposed to give everything and get the same? Well I guess you just have to love people regardless and give as much as you can and as long as you want to, without hurting yourself. It’s still sad to think there might never be someone that gives it all too. Is there really a perfect moment or place to tell the person you love that you will no longer love them? How long does this feeling last anyway? … Does it have to be this hard?

Time Goes By...& Not So Slowly

So, I know...it's been years. I tried to keep up with the blog but it was so much harder knowing I also tried to keep up with live and there you go, I obviously was unable to make it happen to make it happen but here I am back and hopefully if all goes well I will stay for ever? Not knowing how long forever is anymore since nowadays time does not give me the privilege of planning or dreaming anymore. So much has happen and really nothing seems to be meaningful or unforgettable, I did have a close encounter with my past and fell in love with the illusion of a future that is now just the dream of something else that could have been! Unfortunately, did not go back to school in all this time and now I have to catch up on credits or I will be doom to working always and anywhere and never liking the life I am living.

The past two years have been so incredibly revealing too and they have pushed me into giving everything a second thought, even though you’re supposed to learn from your mistakes it seems to be something I do not have the ability to do. Happily I think after all the wrong that has been done to me, I have finally become what all they wanted and I definitely try to move on and not really care for whatever happens to anyone anymore. I must say to be honest and I mean perfectly honest; I am still pretty much in love with the idea that someday people will be more appreciative of the ones that do good to them and yet again I have been so disappointed it’s hard to think I will trust people again.

Since it’s been so long and I could write a book on the things I’ve had to experienced to get back in here, I am just going to start by posting some pictures of some really important people that I met and just let my words come to me so that I can explain the good an evil they’ve done to me. I’ve been unfortunate and stupid all at once.

Names to remember, the ex which I thought will be the one Ivan Cardenas and the friend which I know is the one Paula Vergara who is a.k.a Puppetina, and who is also expecting my first puppetinito nephew Lumon ( we do not know whether it’s a girl or a boy so Luna or Simon = Lumon). Will continue later, I now understand the importance of socializing, I can even write properly and it’s taking me years to know how to spell. Pictures to come and life to live...and such sadness to look back and see nothing has really changed or gotten better.




Thank God or destiny or facebook to get real, I finally saw Doug yesterday and remembered I have a blog TODAY! Somehow glad am alive.