My Notorious Thoughts: Wondering Why Fear Is So Powerful

My Notorious Thoughts: Wondering Why Fear Is So Powerful

Wondering Why Fear Is So Powerful

Almost Drunk................



What's my name???


Remember the Sleepless Nights Post? back on April...Wow time does go by and really fast...I said that I had been "Dumped" over msn but I actually wasn't. He asked me to have some time for ourselves and well I assumed we were over and I guess I was mistaken since he talked to me a couple of weeks back and asked me if I had thought of our relationship? I was pretty shocked over it and I had no time to think about it at the time but after all I have been given sings that have taken me to think of him a lot. I heard the radio and all and then this week I was just thinking of him all the time, so I really wanted to call him when the fear just took over me and I was unable to.

I've been thinking for days now why is it that fear gets to you and you can't let go of it? So, I started answering this question; I've been meaning to call someone and fighting with myself all the week just because I wanted really bad to talk to this person and I was so scared of I have No idea what ...I swear I don't. I thought of the reasons why I was "scared" of calling:

* That he picked up
* Wherever he was going to say
* Wherever I would have to answer to that
* Whether or not he would actually want to answer my call
* If he wanted to talk to me once he knew it was me!!

What I have right now:

* We are not talking
* I really wanted to know how he was doing
* I just wanted to talk to him
* I really wanted to know how he felt about us
* I really wanted to know whether we were something or I was actually single...hahaha

To Loose:

* Nothing!!!! Because this is exactly what I had.

To Get:

* Satisfaction, since I overcame my fear
* Talking to him, since this is what I wanted
* Knowing whether he wanted to talk to me or not
* Actually clarifying my feelings

So I gather all this together and called, yes I did. No one has the right to interfere in your decisions and most of all in your relationships and I have dedices upon it and I called.

The Results:

* He was expecting me to call.
* He was Happy I called ( Or I think he was...Nah He was!)
* I was happy he talked to me
* He had been thinking of me and talking about me TODAY!
* He asked me to call him whenever I thought of him
* I think we're still together.

I really want to give myself the chance to love him and to fall in love with him. I really want to if he lets me and if he wants to.I need to let go slowly but with someone meaningful and amazing, just like him. Maybe this is why I met "The One" I thought was the one ....just to met the one that might be the one. After all, I've heard it takes meeting all the wrong people to met the right one and then you never know when that happens.

I've Decided 2 Live 1 Day @ A Time...

I just remember so much who I used to be and I've come to the conclusion I really liked that person I've left behind. So, after today I will be me again...I will take the chance and Love people and all that...yup I am going out tonight and I am a forget "him". If he is decided this is what he really wants then I will and I hope he is the happiest person ever but I have to move on or I will kill myself with the idea of what we could have been.



Belleza Latina 2008 is going great and I am happy I have given myself the chance to do this, it;s brought me back to life in so many ways. I am a keep living it up...Living La Vida Loca!!! Yay...Pics here...The Girls are so CUTE!! Loving it and trying to forget you...(not trying to hard 'cause then is where I remember YOU!).

Why does it have to be this hard? Wondering when will I forget you and whether it is going to be soon or not...

ღ.·*LØVÉ QÙØTÈ$*·.ღ

I just liked the title that's all, I don't really have any love quotes now, except for:

"I'll Wait Here For You, If I am Part Of Your Dream...You'll Come Back One Day"

Pictures are here...See them and love them...'cause I do.

Dying & Breaking Up...

I have been wondering if it is quite the same when you break up with someone and when they die?

I really mean to get a deep understanding in the matter, i do know that there is people that are "Good Friends" with their exes or so they say. I am not that type of person, I don't mean to say I just stop talking to them or just tell them off but they just slipped out of my life and I from theirs.

I saw P.S I Love You and I thought how much it is alike when someone dies and when you break up with these person, facts:

* You never see them again (If you are lucky enough).
* You never hear from them again.
* No one ever ask or talks about them again.
* Every time you see a picture or anything related to this person you hate the fact he/she is gone or just keep going so you don't have to remember it at all.
* Depending on who was the one who ended the relationship, you cry every time something reminds you of him/her and you can't get them out of your head even if you try really hard.
* When drunk you always seem of remember you still love them.
* There are empty spaces to be fill in your life, which the only person who can fill them is he/she.

I will keep my investigation open I do rest my case for now. What do you think? Is it the same?

The Day I Failed My G2

It's 11:25am and I have just arrived from taking my G2 Test and yup as You read...I am extremely tired since I woke up at 5:00am this morning to be able to get to Clinton,ON in time to practice and take the stupid test! I was in Kitchener so it was a long drive there, I've been driving for 5 hours and I have practiced for weeks and spend tons of money on this and they failed me for a reason they are the only ones who seem to understand.

The fact is I was supposedly endangering others ...she said I could have killed someone just because my wheels were turned to the right when she asked me to turn right and I stopped while people crossed the street. According to her...even though I stopped if someone would have hit me in the back, then I would have killed the pedestrian!!!! Wherever!!! That doesn't make any sense but she said I did good, only it was a big mistake and I failed.

Also, at a stop sing where a three was blocking my view of traffic, I made my stop and then went a bit forward to have clear visibility and she like freaked out! So what am I supposed to do if I can see the cars coming? Just go and kill myself if someone is coming.

Definitely she didn't like me so she failed me for the dumbest reasons and all said, I missed my math test and wasted all morning, made my friend come all the way from Kitchener just to failed my test...THANK YOU!

Until I have taken and pass the test... I will have to use other methods of transportation, thank god I enjoyed this one:



I know the Video wasn't really professionally taken...I wonder how long it will take me to get to school in this ride?

What Scotch Whisky...Can Get Me To Do!!!

I think I am not supposed to drink and I actually I don't but this weekend was different. I ended up in Kitchener after been invited to the Lion Safari and deciding that homework and other tasks could be put aside I left. So, I do now regardless of what I say that I am still very much in love with "The One" and I have not been talking to him or anything like that for months now.

Upon arriving in Kitchener Saturday @ 7:00pm and freaking out over the fact that I have my G2 test tomorrow and have not practiced at all for it, I just relaxed and came to my friend's place for the weekend. I haven't drink much in a long while because I don't really like it and there has not been a good reason to anyways. So Juan decided to get Grants and while I was seeing Juno ( which is an awesome movie), he decided I was being rude and I should come out and have some shots and so I did.

Thank God my cell does not have long distance calling because I got tipsy and I really wanted to talked to him, so yup I couldn't so I Facebook him and message him...which I only realized yesterday morning when dealing with the worst hangover EVER!!!!!!! This had never happened to me but I practically cannot remember what I did, I mean I couldn't have done much really but when it comes to "Him" it's hard to say. So I did message him and I don't even understand the message myself but he knows me a lot and knowing it was 2:00am he will probably guess I wasn't in all my senses when I wrote that.

After dealing with a six hour headache and not going to the Lion Safari 'cause the day was so cold, I've decided I will never drink again ...I swear I won't! Probably I will but just in case I think I won't. Especially while in love with him, because it can get pretty self destructive!

PS: I had the third dream yesterday...remember the one on predictive dreams...here it is the third one...I have no idea why ...but it is so weird..I think I'll see him or am I just going crazy?...Will let you know.

Beauty Equals Pain

I've never been involved in any kind of activity that risks my well being in any way just to be "Better Looking" or if you want to say it "Beautiful". The things that really make me happy are very inexpensive and painless, but today was the exception. I was recommended to attend this massage sessions to model my body and make it look fantastic for the swim suit trials next week and I thought "why not"? I arrived quite late to my appointment after successfully haven gotten my photos taken by Puppetina!

When I enter "The Pain Room", I just want to say...OMG!! It hurt me so much I am still in pain ...I barely have any body fat but they've managed to absorb and massage the tiny bits I own and make me suffer hell on earth. I must say this is probably the most painful thing I'll ever do to look good...because the price is way too high to pay for something you will gain through exercise anyways. I will finish my sessions just this week and might never come back.

It might be that the first day is the worst one or w.e but I can't sit without swearing ! My tiny butt hurts!

So, I am back. It's been a week or so...but I really wasn't kidding when I said I will make sure my life was meaningful. I started living by the RULES stated below and I have been quite successful, I must say happily so far..so GREAT!

I still do not wan to have children but I am in love with my BF's unborn child. I went last Friday to see her and it was amazing, i swear it was. I had the feeling it was a girl since I saw her even though they wouldn't tell at the clinic ...because wherever reasons they have to ruin your happiness. We were confirmed yesterday that indeed it is baby girl and she will be named Luna, so obviously this might change but as per now Luna get here!!! Will upload this pictures soon if i ever get them from Puppetina since she is been quite busy and I am begging for it!

LUNA




Went to choreography right after seeing Luna on Friday and had rehearsal for Belleza Latina 2008 and definitely had a blast, It was very good and I've decided I'll follow through with this regardless and after all. I joined the gym again YAY!!! Knowing the swimsuit try outs are next week and I really want to be in shape again, plus I've been a Hermit for way too long.

Some Updates To Know:

I scratched my brother-in-law's car on Saturday getting into the Galleria parking lot (If you go by and take a look...yup those black scratches on the wall, those i did). It wasn't really bad... sucks I didn't take a picture but I had to spend most day at the garage and it was $80 bucks. So, I'm literally broke after this weekend 'cause it was my mother's b-day on Saturday and you've guess how much I've spend while unemployed for the past four months living on loan and my tax returns, the only 100 left might take me through while I see what to do next.

I joined Tango classes too (where i should actually be right now...will explain will I am not there...in Beauty Equals Pain). I always wanted to do professional ballroom dancing and here I go!

As school goes it's going pretty good too. I've dropped out of that Introduction to Sociology, Anthropology and Psychology class and stick instead with the Math that i actually need to graduate, got appointment tomorrow @ 2:00pm to get register in Self Study for the last credit I need to finish in JUNEEEEEE!!!

I will have my first Hot Yoga class tomorrow and I already went buying all the required materials.

I think this s it for now, I will post pictures on Belleza Latina 2008, also will post pictures of all puzzles I've done.

Have a photoshot with Paula today !

So Dear Doug:
Yes you can live by the rules and follow them if
you focus on it....Loving Life, Loving ME but
Seriously IN LOVE with LUNA!

Loving life Regardless

So here it is...the craziest day so far in 2008. "In need of an epiphany" - I thought this morning - well and it all happened very fast but it happened.I had an epiphany or I swear i did at least and that's good enough for now. So after complaining so much for the last three days, I saw The Diving Bell and The Butterfly movie and realized everything is just okay with me and my life.

I love it and will live up to it from now on, I will do as follows:

~ Do everything I always wanted to do.
~ Life to do anything I want and not others.
~ Ignore anything that makes me unhappy.
~ Work to achieve All of my dreams and goals.
~ Never, ever give up on anything I enjoy doing.
~ Choose wherever it is I want to do next.
~ Go wherever I want to go.
~ Not fear to love because I've been previously hurt.
~ Ignore that money is such a big obstacle to achieve certain things.

There is definitely no reason why I should not do this, I need to ignore most people from now on and specially those who want me to do as they wish instead of what I wish. There are priorities and my priority must be me...will be me from today on.

Are Dreams Predictions?

There is some people that make a huge impact on your life and somehow and for some weird reason just stay behind. Now I have always wondered whether dreams are predictions or only wishes of your heart. I have experienced dreams that come truth but only when I dream of the same thing three times and not in a row but just spread out, the deal is I do dream on it three times and then it just happens. It's quite scary too, just because lately I've been dreaming with someone I once felt a lot for and I know for some reason I feel I will see him again.

I just dreamed of it again last night and I decided it should be blogged because if I dream on this again I am almost certain it will happen. So here it is I never got to say many things or do many things with this person but i did felt deep down for him and I have been dreaming we are together ...like really happily ever after together kind of thing. I have no idea if I will see him or not but it just seemed so weird knowing I have no contact with him whatsoever and I have no contact with nobody that makes me talk about him.

If I ever get to dream something like it with him I will for sure know it will happen, it's the second time within a month I've have this dream. I also heard that dreams remind people of others when the person you're dreaming with thinks about you a lot. That can be it too, but who knows and I won't ask so let see if it happens again or not.

Loving "The One"

Love isn't meant to be falling for anyone.

Patience pays off, waiting will be rewarded.

Wait til your soul says 'This is the One',

Then you'll be sure that,

Although you might get hurt, pain you can endure,

Because you know that you are meant to be.

And you'll wait however long is necessary,

for the one you love to realize that.

The Real World

Sometimes even though we know the truth ... we decide that lying is the best way to hide sadness and fake happiness but in real life when we walk down the street on the path we have chosen to take and see that people are so unreal and that lying has become the best thing to do, we wonder whether or not to do the same thing. Well seems to me like destiny is giving me the answer now.

After listening to something i sure did already know i still feel quite disappointed on people and i do keep trying to explain myself that you cannot pay people they way they pay yo... you know like "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind" ???
I have no idea how people can hate so easily or i just have such big heart that regardless of what people do to me I still only see the good and let the bad go away, after all keeping those memories inside your head just make you a sad, angry person against the world and makes you feel upset about life. So, yes people will continue being just that people... reckless humans if they even deserve to be call humans.

Heartless person walking towards the sad, unhappy destiny they've created for themselves. I am quite worried, i think i am heartless... I've just heard something that should make me very, very sad and angry and yet the only thing I feel is Nothing. I really feel nothing? O No ... I think I feel nothing. Maybe I am just ignoring what i already knew because I don't think my heart and soul deserve to be hurt by others, if this is it then good for me.. I've learned and I've forgiven and forgotten.

Sure there is a difference between being really nice and very stupid, I think I know the difference but I still feel the need of doing good to people and so i will, very carefully that is and I will think twice before handing out my heart for open heart surgery to those I feel will appreciate who i am.



Loving people, loving life and most definitely in love with Honesty !!!

The Comeback

Here I am again, writing on my blog and scare of everything I’ve decided to do. I might not really be scare of what I am doing so much but of the people I’ll see while doing it, it’s just that you never know what people are thinking and what they expect when they look at you after such a long time. When you really love someone and I am not only referring to your beloved one but to certain friends and persons that made such big impact in your life at a point and randomly disappeared at another. The thing is you always wonder what if? Well suddenly here it is, the opportunity to see them and share with them again and it’s scary.

On the other hand, I am still trying to pick up the pieces of me that have been left behind and I can’t see how to make them fit in the puzzle of my current lifestyle. I have decided that when I am actually able to get the 6000 puzzle that I started over a month ago done and over with, then I will have decided where to go and what to do. It’s just something that came up to me while realizing that it was just like my life and the fact that when I really want to do something a lot of things come up that just don’t allow me to get things done the way I want to. Here is a picture of the puzzle and if I could take a picture of my brain, soul and heart they will most likely look like this.



Pictures are up for Belleza Latina 2008 and I have not yet seen the newspaper but I think is out too, I have to get back to the gym and start doing so many things next week I just can’t understand how it’s all fitting on it’s own just like parallel parking…you know how you let the car go and just give it a little help and if you’re doing in properly it will get in straight on it’s own? Well, just like that I am just turning my steering wheel and my life might just do it on its own.



I guess this will be it for now, trying to get around Dreams, Flashbacks and Memories but words just seem not to come to me in the way I need to write it. Will get it done and up before tomorrow.