My Notorious Thoughts

To ...LoVe?????????????

2009-09-10T14:51:00.001-04:00

Yes to love, because i have figured it is the only thing we can't control. The only thing we can blame for our deep sadness and incredible missery...because there is no way to make someone fall for you when they don't want to ...because above all the happiness it bring...it's pain is Unbearable and unforgivable..

to the heart that will no longer...LOVE!

Moving In, Moving Out, Moving On

2008-12-11T01:06:00.002-05:00

Itès been a while, I know, I am wrting to myself more than to anybody else. It has been a long time since I spoke my soul out which is the only way to escape this insane world. I feel powerful today, I have gotten my new place and I will be moving in tomorrow.

I am finally leaving my house to leave on my own and create my own life, I will be able to feel free and to embark on any mission wihtout fear of dislike or denigration...I feel free. I am nervous but I can not say I am scare, I feel I can make it and I know I can. I just wish everything goes well.

I am also moving on, moving on from that feeling of necessity to love someone, having felt what I felt I know that feelings evolve and are outgrown. There is no need to cry for someone who does not love you back, there is not much time to cry over it anyway. There are many choices out of feeling so empty, I wanted to belive it was possible, I deeply wanted to fall in love again and make it worth while but once again the blind street of love has taken my heart and broke it. Now, I only live to love myself, it is so much easier.

The Words I Long To Hear

2008-10-26T18:54:00.008-04:00

Sometimes you meet the right people at the very wrong time, some other days you know the right people and then you discover they are not right at all. I keep trying to be a good person and not to hurt others

I know I love you, right now that I am here missing you and wanting so bad to be with you I know I do but I also know there is too much I have to do and to say more than anything before I can actually face the fact that this is the way I feel. Since I met you and knew there will be something between you and me, I told myself this will take me to a place I had never been before.

I am there and I like what I feel, I know I might be able to lie to myself but I heard the words I never tought I would yesterday and I know I have to do this. There are the feeling and there is the reality that we must face.

'With love, you should go ahead and take the risk of getting hurt because love is an amazing feeling.'Britney Spears

While Seeing An Airplane....

2008-10-25T20:07:00.005-04:00

I was sitting there @ 11:53am waiting for Daddy to arrive from Halifax. I never thought such solitude will take me rigth back to the start, but there I was and I somehow flew back to the person I once wanted so bad to be...

I am getting back to school next wednesday; going to Wheable G.A and please don't take me wrong it is not that I do not want to go to school or that I do not know how important it is to do it but once again I thought how fast I am getting trapped in a life I never wanted for myself. I am getting my credits done to get into Business Marketing Administration @ Fanshawe in January sponsored by the hateful hours that I worked at Helliance (Doug they did pay me EI and now MTCU...don't get happy for my luck...since it is not the luck I waited for).

It's Fall, not only the cold that is rapidly increasing and the snow that is yet to fall next Monday, the actual season sums up for how I am feeling inside. I am starting to freeze up and I fear I might be stuck there for a while which might become the worst of times to ever experience. I think I need to run away and I know it's possible and I also am very certain I can't do it.

I remembered how much I wanted to travel and how much I loved the idea of learning French, graduate in Flight Attending and going into that for some years. Now I am getting into Business beacause it is a profitable career that will get me a "JOB" once am done and then I will never have to take EI again. Wait what about my dreams? myself? My life? My Heart? My soul? did I say My DrEaMs??????

Here I am once again screwing my life guided by the people who really know what I should do and how I should do it.

On the other hand: I might just once Again BE.....guess what?

IN LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whether it will last or not and if it is for real ...I can't answer that right now or ever. I am just feeling something bigger and better. If you wonder about "The One" well no worries I am forever cured by his own amazing attitude...now he is only "The One That Could Have Been" just like in Friends:

After Rachel finds our that Barry (her ex-fiancé) & Mindy (her ex-best friend) were getting divorced, the friends imagine what life would be like if: *Ross was still married to Carol, *Rachel had married Barry. *Phoebe had taken a job offer at 'Meryl Lynch' *Chandler had quit his job & wrote stories for 'The Newyorker'. *Joey was still on 'Days of our lives' & *Monica was still fat. ... Written by Phoebe_Friends_Fan

The Group of 6 imagine what could have been, if something in their lives had been different. For Ross, it's if he hadn't realized Carol was a lesbian, if Monica was still fat, if Rachel had married Barry, if Chandler had decided to be a comic, and if Joey was still on Days of our Lives.

So, there it is I posted the hardest thing I have ever written, the very truth about my life, the life I have never choosen for myself, the life I don't want to live, the life I am living.

Is it Over?

2008-10-24T00:06:00.005-04:00

I keep my head up all the time,
I think I am scare of my self
the real one, the one I keep hiding from the world.

I want to go back to myself but I just can't find the road to it, I haven't been writing at all. Not in my Journal, my blog or my dream journal; I am not writing poetry or sad tragedy. I haven't been doing any of those things that make me...Me.
Now still waiting to be able to say what I really feel, I sit here in the little time that I have the priviledge of spending with myself and decide to go back to my Blog.

Here with my soul so hidden from my heart, with my mind so messed up with the lies I tell myself; I sit writing. So much has happened, it's been months and I just realize that so many things get missed by my blog and really they just get missed by me. I am by nature a social person and also a friend but I believe I need to fix some issues I have:

* I can't let people meddle in my life so much

* I must take the chances I wish whenever I want

* I Need not to trust people so much, actually I HAVE to not trust people anymore

* I must say what I feel, when it is most certainly necessary to do it

* I need to set standards and I must not conform with less

* I need to trust my instinct and stick to the fact that I have to take decisions based on them

* I can't ask others their opinion of my relationships, I must do what I feel and think is right

If I hopefully am able to do this and apply this to my life I am very sure it will get way better and I will be able to be free of the responsabilities I am taking upon myself and do not belong to me. People need to let me live my life my way.

Times of Insanity

2008-10-04T01:57:00.002-04:00

I have been writing thoughts in my head, I have been thinking that I might be able to make it all happen. I have been making love to you in my head over and over again. I have certainly talk myself into forgetting I ever,ever loved you...and yet again I have wasted all this time since I still feel for you.

Wherever it is the reason why I still feel so confused over whether or not I love him is real. Now I have decided to engaged myself in a let's say "Open Relationship... I have discover I don't fear intimacy as I used to and I no longer believe in Love or at least in making love. However I think I have found myself to be unreasonably helpful to others and incredibly unhelpful to myself and this must stop in order for me to make the best out of my own life..

Yes! It's probably why half the puzzle in still unfinished and the pressure is higher as I am to move out by November the first ..then I will tell and I will know where I am going at least tomorrow, which is scary enough.

Unbelievable

2008-09-21T20:46:00.002-04:00

This is definitely the only word I need to say right now, well Speechless seems more like it but I am going to stick with Unbelievable. I can't quite understand people lately, I am so tired and frustrated with all the pressure they put on my shoulders and how invasive they have become just shocks me. I just think that this is certainly my fault since I try so hard to make people happy I always end up giving them too much and then they feel like they have rights.

Rights; let's talk about that! How can people think they have the ability to manage my time and they can ask inappropriate questions and be rude just because I am such a good friend an give the best of myself.

After a weekend of incredible guilt I have now realize it's my fault for giving them so much trust and letting them into my life, I must now draw a line and point where MY life, privacy and rights are to myself. I have to make my "friends" understand that even though I love then to death and I am there for them, I got things of my own and most of all I OWN myself. I can't believe I even feel like I owe them! Shocking, all I have to say is...I am happy My Resolutions for this year are getting done and I will go back to focusing on MYSELF!

I have a car!!!! Not exactly a brand new car, but that's coming! I have too much to worry for already to go and get upset 'cause of other people, No Way. I now get it this is the message I was to get...Hello Kathy!! You gotta get back to You! They will have to work it out and you will have to make it on your own as always.

Ps: Doug I Miss YOU! You were one of those friends that are there for support but are not invasive...I miss you!

Finally

2008-09-20T15:40:00.003-04:00

Working on forgetting helps you to never finally forget, working on moving on gets you so busy you eventually just forget. Here I am, not the me you knew OH!! NO!! The me I didn't even know, I have been able to get over the feeling, the curse has unleashed and I am free to live yet again amid the craziness of this never ending story.

September was to become a nightmare but people has saved my soul and I have saved my own life; The One (who no longer is anything closer to that), has come back to my life in such time where I realized I no longer feel a bit of love for him and as I read "Hate is a feeling directly link to love yet indifference has the ability to kill". I felt indifferent to his suffering and his sadness, I still feel some remains of love in the deepest, darkest places of my heart but now I just can't love him anymore. I have decided to be his friend and I will "Be there" as much as possible, I will do as much as I can to make his life easier.

Not that he deserves any of it, this is the way I feel because I fell and I fell way to hard.

The Purpose of My Existance

2008-09-08T13:23:00.003-04:00

It has been quite a while since I woke up and got ready with the thought of making myself look amazing every day for someone else to see me. The purpose of doing something gives you the ability to to feel better about yourself each and every day.

Things have change a lot; I feel happier, fuller and energized. I know myself better and I have a better idea of where I want to go and where I will exploit and give the best of myself to make others happy.

I want to write, I want to focus on exploiting my abilities on being all that I want to be and prioritizing what matters the most to me...

I am on an emotional roller coaster that it's and will always be endless.

Living it up!

Here it goes

2008-09-04T23:36:00.003-04:00

I haven't been escaping, not that I don't actually wish to be able to scape because I most certainly do. I just have been through so much (I am always going trough so much) I want to understand, I know I won't get there. My heart is not going crazy, it has shut down and I don't want to feel nothing for nobody anymore.

Doug tell me how much time, how many nights? How many stars gotta fly by my window and how many times do I have to tell myself that it isn't worth it. I just keep my memories away and try to convince myself that sometime it will be over, that I won't dream of us, that I don't secretly wish for us...the us that could never be, the us that never was, the us that will probably never come to be.

InsPirEd.............................

2008-09-03T00:13:00.005-04:00

I haven't wrote lately, I know that.
I have been feeling....a lot.

It's always about the way you feel; sometimes it's easier to write because some things make you write but there are other times where regardless of what you are living you can not find the words or inspiration to write anything at all. I have the ability to write but not enough inspiration at the time, there must be a quite special person or thing that helps me overcome the lack of words. It may also be that there is so much to say and not much time and not enough to write on.

...Feeling$

2008-08-30T23:21:00.002-04:00

Somehow your scent is still lingering through my life
I feel the sadness and emptiness of not having you,
even though you will hurt me over and over again
and I know it will be more painful than anything else.

It's the shadow of what I thought was meant to be
and I beg of my heart to set you free, I please
that my soul gets out and hates you and I just wish
my head could run my feelings.

Let me choose my destiny and get you out forever
I might be lying,I might end up loving you again
but I know I shouldn't do it and I will somehow
convinced myself of what I deserve.

I feel restless and music is not pleasurable,
most things make me angry and love, love is not enough
it simply is not a reason to let someone
ruin you so deeply and purposely.

ThE PuZzLe .....M& lIF3

2008-08-12T23:47:00.006-04:00

As I remember, you have seen the puzzle....yes the 6000 piece puzzle that I have been trying to get done and that I decided was just like my life. I did write about it in The Comeback, remember? And even though it was just a metaphor, it actually is becoming just like my life. You can see in this pictures how much progress is been made to it and just like that I'll let you know my life is been progressing towards a point where I can actually say...I might after all make it and Make it Better.

I have done a lot, I have a plan somehow and I am planing to stick to it. I will learn French or at least start learning French this year and I have come to join the world of society again, well it hasn't change much but it is still better than inside of my own where all I can do is judge myself and think there is too much to do and not enough time to do it.

Instead I have shown my face again, I have regain friends I had before and new amazing people has come into my life. I still need more time to adjust to going out a lot and very often, trying not to fall sleep early and getting to know more people. Giving humans the privilege of a real friendship seems very hard for me and it is a very difficult thing to do, but I will strive to make it happen.

There is also the Public Relations part of my job which I enjoy very much and I have been given the privilege of getting because of my loyalty and extreme dedication to The Duende and Ritmo & Cafe. This groups will depend on my for their events to be as successful as it can be and I will dedicate part of my time to do it.

So far, I am still in the process of waiting for the MTCU approval in order to go on into my future, I will however start in September to get all my credits done by December and hopefully in I go to C/U in January or September of next year. This does definitely mean that I will regardless have to stay in London,ON for the next 2 or 3 years which doesn't seem as bad now just because this will only happen if I get to have the MTCU pay for my studying, otherwise Farewell London ...very ...very soon!

The Sky Is The Limit

2008-08-07T15:21:00.004-04:00

I' ve been reading, following the path and trying to get to the bottom of who I am ...the person I've left behind in the middle of all the noise of my non-stopping world and with all the hassle I didn't remember to be more attentive and preserve that self.

I am getting somewhere very slowly and I needed all that has happen to realize I might have taken all the wrong paths just to find out that I will end up in the right one, there are many choices but there isn't enough time to try them all and still being successful, sometimes (very often ....more like lately) I feel that I am useless(I know am not), it's just the way I feel. There is no need of going deeper into that feeling, but I did thought it was because from all the time spend taking care of others, I have always ended up forgetting about me, my dreams,my goals,my soul, my heart...ME!

I see time going by...quite fast honestly and I think to myself if all of it was worth living, maybe something could have been better. Taking more chances, risks, other paths...But eh I took those ones and here I am today. I am kind off happy and regret less and I know there was a reason for all I can't see right now but I will see it someday.

I just spend the w/end in Kitchener and I talked to someone who made me realize how stupid I am for being scare and who Thank GoD told me so that I could run free from those fears and remember that I can have it all if I do what I have to in order to succeed. I know I will, the time has passed where I just waited for better things to come my way...I will make it big.

In LoVe!!

2008-07-22T12:43:00.003-04:00

I have been told love must inspire you to leap and I have never been inclined to Jump!

This is how I felt before I met you, now is way different; i will jump anywhere, anytime & anyhow. Sadly, you're really not part of my life but hopefully you'll be the rest of my life and the end of life as I know it.
There is the need of having you in my life, but there is the happiness that after you came into it I feel in love, and I am in love...with everything and with all my heart.
After all, maybe third one is a charm and I'll be seeing you, in the mid time. I am in love with everything and indeed above all with you.

Quoting Bishop Jeremy Taylor, "Marriage hath in it less of beauty but more of safety, than the single life; it hath more care, but less danger, it is more merry, and more sad; it is fuller of sorrows, and fuller of joys; it lies under more burdens, but it is supported by all the strengths of love and charity, and those burdens are delightful."

Love is the motor or life and you need it to feel complete and happy, it is so much powerful and useful if you invest it in someone, but also it is amazingly appreciated when given to others and when used in everything you do.

Without Love The cruelness of reality will be unbearable.

Wishing For Better Things!

2008-07-22T11:38:00.004-04:00

I have no idea if there is a way back in time, obviously I know there isn't the chance of going back to certain moments of your life and changing some things but Is there a way to go back to the beginning? Just to step back and live something again forgetting why it didn't work and why it wasn't successful ?

Well, maybe there is. Somehow, I know the opportunity to achieve happiness isn't that far away at all, it's just a little lost in the mid of living...

"The one is the one,
nobody becomes The One"

Here I am, Just living and just breathing. I don't want to say I am not being happy ...that will be a lie. In the past few months I have come to understand a lot, life is really just a journey and we have the power to make it memorable or not. Love is incredibly reliable, when it's real. People will always be how they are, unless they realize how big of change they need to make.

Our destiny, that's a tough one. I believe things do happen for a reason and there might be a time and a place for everything but there is no possible way of waiting for the right moment. You make the moment, you create your destiny and somehow the universe takes you where you belong. No matter how hard you try, there is a place, a person, a thing you belong to and that's where you'll end up.

Belleza Latina 2008!!

2008-07-18T00:25:00.003-04:00

Vestido Tipico

Belleza Latina London: "Trajes Tipicos" from Ivonne Zarza on Vimeo.

Vestido De Baño

Pegate " Ricky Martin"

Vestido De Gala

Belleza Latina London: "Gala" from Felipe Quintanilla on Vimeo.

...PictureS...

2008-07-12T02:09:00.002-04:00

ThE cUrSe!

2008-07-06T15:49:00.003-04:00

If you find path with no obstacles it probably doesn't lead anywhere.

I am going to call it "The Curse" just because that's what love is and yet it is so enjoyable that I can only enjoy feeling it ( Not all the time).

This is the draft of something that might have been a lie of what I felt ...Then.

I have realized and I know now that it is not possible for you to forget someone by being with someone else, I guess we are all different and we all love in different ways. There is no perfect anything...but there is always the chance of finding someone amid the sadness deception creates. The only thing is that the new person must be a person that makes you feel incredibly better than the last one, someone that strives to make you happy and does their part to make it work; otherwise it simply doesn't work.

The Curse you may ask yourself ...The One...yes you are right that's my curse and I only call him The One because that is how I refer to him in this blog and all those who read it know it this way, not at all because he actually is The One. Back to The Curse which he is, I think it is a Curse because even if you try, wherever you do the thought of that person is still in you head 24/7 and regardless of what you do, where you go the wish of having this person with is insanely big.

I know way more know about love and life than I knew back then, this past months have been very productive in that sense and I have learn a lot and know a lot more in depth of this feeling. I know I did my part and I did it well and I also know that I have to love regardless and expect nothing in return, that is love=freedom and it works.

Eleven Minutes taught me and I know it was right I can force love in someone but if the feeling is there it will arise eventually no matter how hard you try to run free from it. Love ...it all depends on the way you love ....Je T'aime.
Love, friendship, relationship, job, life...Nothing. The only thing we can do is accept our destiny, and if it's truth we can make it a different

Wouldn't It Be NiCe?

2008-07-03T02:02:00.006-04:00

* If others could hear our prayers

* If love could really overcome all obstacles

* If you could loose that useless pride instead of losing that special someone

* If we could know what the right choices are before making mistakes

* If we could know who is the person we should love before falling for all the wrong
ones.

* If people wouldn't be so hypocritical.

* If people would be thankful.

* If we could forgive and forget...no like seriously with honesty.

* If we knew how much words can hurt others.

* If we could see how much people does for us behind our backs and then love them
for doing it.

* If cupid will make people fall out of love just as easily as they fall in.

* If actions could be properly interpreted.

"ANYONE WHOSE GOAL IS "SOMETHING HIGHER" MUST EXPECT SOMEDAY TO SUFFER VERTIGO"

On Love

2008-06-27T00:30:00.004-04:00

Waking up everyday, trying not so hard to understand most things. Wondering whether or not these are the right choices but time goes by too fast to even be able to choose before hand. So, taking easy...it actually sounds easier than it is. I want to believe in most things I do, I don't want to make the same mistakes but yet again I want to live and one thing is completely opposite to the other.

As you move on, in life. You realize which the important things are, you are able to see your life from a different perspective and it gets so much harder to make mistakes. Yes, just like that to make mistakes, just because you now know how much will they change your life either for good or bad.

Taking changes in love for example, it gets harder and harder every time. There is a point where you just don't feel like believing in anything, anymore. The thought of loving ...scares me. I certainly think it freaks me out, completely. I just don't feel like going through this all over again.

Somehow, I think ...I know. I have always belong to someone. I was just trying really hard not to keep on loving "Him". Why is it? There is an emptiness, an unfulfillable emptiness without this being in your life. This is when your day to day becomes purposeless, when everything seems unreasonably sad and when regardless of how much people you have....you feel completely empty.

There is the need of purpose and purpose gets so much easier when there is someone walking with you and telling you, that you'll make it. The lack of purpose and the unbearable routine can and will take you back to square one. Dreaming on it.

My Birthday Resolutions

2008-06-19T19:05:00.002-04:00

• Love, love …life!
• Try to make everyday unforgettable
• Start up a dreams journal
• Try to do everything I regret not doing in the past
• Finally buy a telescope
• Learn To Play the Piano
• Get my G2 and my brand new car
• Get back to my guitar at least once a week
• Get into U/C, at least apply to a program even though this depends on some other factors.
• Go somewhere new, go to Colombia, finally go to Miami
• Definitely get out a bit more often , more family time…much more family time
• Read one book a month at least
• Buy a new Cd and Book every month
• Start up my savings account
• Plan my wanted business and get it started, at least financially.
• Get money for my mom’s house, wherever she wants it.
• Try to see all the movies I haven’t…the trilogies specially.
• Strive to be happy !!!

Due date: June 18,2009

Legally Able To.........?

2008-06-19T12:38:00.017-04:00

So, everything that could possibly happen did, including my b-day and I did nothing. Well I have come to a point where I don't want to push anything to happen. I will strive to succeed and be happy and all that but not push things to make them happen.

Where to start...Will just write on the Highlights of the past week and a half:

***** Must Be Advised Some of the Things Were Not Great****

- Monday - Lest we forget..R.I.P Monachito ( Enough Said).

- Tuesday - Decided to love and get back together with my family :)...That's a lot in such a small time frame.
Got my sister to London and called my cousin to get here too.

- Wednesday - Nataly got here and had the most amazing family time ever...After all everything does happen for a reason.

- Thursday - Got out and ate out ( just like most of that week...since I finally got EI to pay me after 3 months of hunger and desperation).

- Friday - The girls where going back to their cities, went to Demetre's and had the best meal ever!!! OHHHHH!! And that Piña Colada was GREATTTTTTTTT.

- Saturday - Rehersal, Food Festival....Lonely apartment again. Oh..Wait it does get better. Went out to see the soccer game and after all I did advised you my dreams are signals...i had the encounter of the year with "HIM". I guess that's that and I still wonder why I felt that way ? Will get into this later though, hard enough as it is.
After years of hiding in the cave when out to a party and it wasn't that bad at all, saw someone I love!!!!!!! And catch up on life, hope to see u soon.
Yes, it does keep going. I got drag into this after party...asleep as I was. Had fun really ...It's just that it was a long day.A Night To Remember.

- Sunday - OHH Sunday ..It was almost impossible for me to wake up but I had to and I did so I went to the Food Fest. I went to this Barbecue and Happily slept in the afternoon until like 9:00pm.

- Monday - Back to school ( I did go to school all last week, I just was mentally absent and I did no homework whatsoever). Went to Puppetilandia to celebrate father's day and realize how I never really fit anywhere.

- Tuesday - Had to get my nails done, one broke and it sucks and it hurts a lot. Got nothing done, have missed Gym a lot which upsets me.

- Wednesday - My B-day...some people called, I hate that they are so far away from me and I did nothing as always. Some calls where expected and never gotten, felt crazy empty, and completely lonely + Alone + Both! Got the pictures for the Londoner taken and attempted to see the soccer game...ended up at home alone wanting to see a movie. Trying to find a dress for the contest, "studying". Went to sleep @ 1:00am.

I am 19!!!!

Just Sadness

2008-06-16T23:42:00.006-04:00

I am just feeling empty, soulless, unreasonably lonely and incredibly unable to "fit in". It's not like I really care about fitting in, I certainly don't care for that anymore. I have my own world and I like it but sometimes you know, it's like the absence of something is very present in me, of something that makes me ...Me and that which makes me be.

The fact that your existence is based on others and if others don't acknowledge you are there then you simply don't exist, makes me wonder if I really want all this. Wherever it is belonging means I simply can't find it here. I still after all this time feel completely out of place.

There are no words for the way I am feeling and there aren't reasons to keep trying so hard to reach something you deep down know you will never find. It's the warmth, is the lovely feeling of knowing you are not alone, even if there is only one person but for that person you are they're everything.

.....Back to dreams....yes they do come truth I said I will tell so I am...Remember all that dreaming with this kid? Well I saw him this weekend...I knew it my dreams never lie. Wherever will come I will let it happen and I will live it.

So, really for like crying...I will...will write on the story I never finished soon enough at least not to be easily forgotten.

I love you Luna I do very Much ...I hope I can stick around but deep down I know it won't be long.

Love In The World

2008-06-12T21:57:00.004-04:00

When sex and the city becomes ...Love in the City. I start thinking if you are really supposed to wait around, to love regardless?
To ask for forgiveness, to call or not to call? To say it...and what to say!

It's not all about love but it comes to a point where you start wondering and trying to understand takes you places you never thought you'll be. The point is that love is so overrated and it's portrayed so perfectly in movies and tv shows, you just want it to be like this in your life too. I am not saying this is the case in Sex & The City, it totally isn't...this is probably why I like this show, it's sincere about life and above all about love.

The movie though, I expected it to be a lot more like the show and a lot less like the old fashion Hollywood "Happily ever after". It made me think of all I have been through and how even if you run aways from someone or you tell yourself you feel nothing anymore you still do, because you can't manage your heart and it just chooses to love certain beings. I've always known you can't force yourself into forgetting someone but I never understood how much you could lie to yourself and making yourself believe you no longer care for certain people...when you Obviously feel a lot.

I don't want my blog to be all about love and tears and blablabla. This wasn't the purpose at all, I do have other blogs which must be purposely used and love just seems to be the topic of the year. Well, that's that for My Big and Carrie. I guess The One is The One!

2008-06-12T01:02:00.002-04:00

So, I told you how I felt today...

You: Then just go and be with him(Miguel). I'll be with another people, other three girls. DO what you want.

Me: Okay, listen why do you have to be so rude?

You: Me? What did I say?

Me: It's just that it sucks, how you always say things like that and make feel bad when I can't tell you anything because you go get really angry and get mad, but how come you can say so many things without thinking before hand. And I can get angry with you over it?

You: I was kidding, I was kidding.

Me: Well, you are rude and I don't like your comments.

You: Okay, I was kidding, I was.

Me: I am sad now because of you, because of your words, because it hurts. ( I wanted to cry, even though you don't believe it..I love you and I get hurt).

You: Okay, I'll call you in ten minutes.

Me: Ok...bye. (Hung up angrily, upset,disappointed, you didn't even say sorry to me.

.......Later:

You: Hey, how are you?

Me: I am upset, cause you are rude and it hurts. The way you are.

You: Ok, let's talk later then.

.....Always running ...always just not feeling....

Then, I didn't call you back. I got on the bus and started thinking, that and I realized, this is the way you are and I don't want to make you someone you are not. So, I just wanted to come home and call you and tell you that, Tell you this is who you are and how you are, I no longer know whether you are kidding or not, it just made me feel bad. Anyways I do no expect you to think or lie, I want you to be YOU. That's it. So, there you go babe, be you...as long as we are together, I'll try to make it better for us ok? I'll be here, loving you, missing you...seeing you.

Words, People, Thoughts

2008-06-12T00:42:00.003-04:00

It's late, I can't sleep and I can't cry. It's been hard, hard ...not even knowing what hard is...this is hard enough for now. I just think that sometimes we focus too much on the stupidest things or let me rephrase that ...ALL THE TIME!
The smallest most precious things are the best ones...I wish I finally learn how to live better know, just live ...No Worries....

R.I.P MonachitO

2008-06-11T12:43:00.003-04:00

I just wish we didn't have to wait until someone leaves to realize how valuable life is. I guess the fact that he has left just gives us the hint into living, really living and loving regardless. We have so much to give and to get, focusing on the things that matter is what counts. I think we all need to fall in love with ourselves and treasure all we have.

It's so important to live by the the inspiration of every day, there is always something to look forward to.

To you MonachitO...who will be loved forever...we'll be seeing you.

WhaT MakeS U Happy

2008-06-08T15:23:00.004-04:00

I just want to say:

Whoever can't follow their dreams are reasonably unhappy, whoever can't manage to see the glass half full will never see their life quite working.

I've been there, I am probably half the time there, but why will it be so hard when you have the answer in front of u? If you know the Problem you most definitely know the Solution to it. If you don't then you certainly do not know where the problem lies. I happen to know that we all seem to be pretty unhappy lately, it's what the world is about,..who is the unhappiness. I think the smallest things make you happy, then the same smallest things can make you incredibly sad.

I recovered most of my memories from a photo album and looking back into it, I realized all of us have always know where the problem is ans some of us even know what the problem is. So, knowing there is only one life to live and this is why we worry so much, we do have to get it right the first time trough since there is no proof we will have a chance at it again.

If this is the case, then why is it that we carry such weight in our backs and have so little intensity to live or to fix those problems that make our life unbearable? I guess deep down we like it this way, or we are so used to it we don't dare to dream of something better. We punish ourselves with out deceptions and sadness and just can't make it better ...Only because we don't want to.

So, there it is...we have the power to make it better at any point, costly or not we do have the chance to do it. So, ask yourself what is the problem? and why can't I at least try to fix it.

2008-06-03T18:39:00.004-04:00

It’s not supposed to be that hard…

“It’ll end in tears”

I was just watching the “Bed, Bath & Beyond” episode of Will & Grace and realized how alike Grace’s relationship with Nathan was to mine with “The One”. There are so many things to think about when it comes to relationships and sometimes you get to think about them when it is already really late. Still I thought of it from another perspective and I wonder if it really comes down to this:
Should it really be easy?
I mean it’s love suppose to flow like a river, to just be without so much work or does it have to be something that you create along the way together …
It’s hard to know but realistically somehow I think it should be easier, if its right it will work effortlessly and why does it come down to the point where you seem to be forcing a relationship in order for it to work. I have been through my relationship with “The One” many times and I realized that I have been covering up for his mistakes in order to explain my devotion to loving him.

He lied and he was so full of excuses and I did so much, I did all I could just because I Loved Him but this is no excuse for keeping this feeling when I know that when we were together it just didn’t seem right. I felt like we had to do so much, most of the time to make it look good. Like when a piece in a puzzle fits almost right and yet is not the one that goes there.

There was emptiness, a wall, a something I still can figure out what it was. Once I realized it was so hard to make it work and when I remembered all the good times where just a few, I decided to look upon the reasons and the facts why it didn’t work.
At the beginning there was a relationship or the wish of a relationship that could have so easily work out, we were friends and we were good together and it simply seemed so appropriate, I guess you can get rapidly involve in the idea of something working when you want it so bad. When we met we seemed to be made for each other and we had a lot in common, it was hard knowing we were so far away an yet we did enjoy the time we share together; even though we broke up we still felt a lot for each other.

After a while when we stated talking again, we missed each other and we started working even with the distance in between we were mad in love and we just wanted to be together so bad. Maybe it was the way we dreamed so much of each other or the fact we were planning so much and unable to do most of it but I felt like doing anything and everything for US. I went there and I was freaking out, scared of the unknown future ahead of me.

When I was neared him I knew there was something missing, there was someone missing, the person I’ve met was not the one I was standing in front off. I was dating someone else, all his sweetness and qualities where gone and he became someone else. No one knows the person you are dating more than you; certainly I knew deep inside something wasn’t right.

There was so much missing and I wanted so bad to understand, I unfortunately couldn’t. After all I now know that he indeed was lying and he had decided he couldn’t do everything he had planned. He just figure out ways to get out of our relationship and to be able to blame me for it not working.

I can't say I was perfect, I had so many mistakes and I just try too hard, but I still tried and I still loved him...I actually still do. After all I just wanted us to be, so after so much trying, maybe like he said "It just wasn't put time".

Among lonely people are all those in loved ones that are still trying to understand why? Now you must know that answer probably is inside of you and you alone...
Inability lo love.

*********If DrEAmS WeRe NoT BeAuTiFuL, ThEy WoUlD QuIcKlY Be FoRGoTtEn.**********

So Much Going On...

2008-06-03T17:22:00.004-04:00

I have been writing in scratch (Word) paper, my blog entries. I haven't been able to post any because my computer got a Virus and I have been unable to access my blog. I am happy to have gotten back to school and I am almost done this credit, just need one more and will finally get my High School Diploma. I want to look further into getting a career here, something in College or University which I need.

I look further to getting this done and finally be free to go wherever I want and be happy. Even though it is a state of mind, I will work hard now and be here for a while to be where I want to be. The Beauty Pageant is going and it's getting very close, very fast. I have no idea when I will be able to get a job and I really need to get one soon, since I have to go to Colombia either in September or December, the sooner the better.

Waiting for certain sings to know where to go, It is a crazy life and there is no right way anyway so gotta see what comes up. Living it up, pretty much doing the same things over and over again. Gym is great ...Hot Yoga ROCKS! Getting into the habit, now it seems harder to miss one day than to have to go one day, which is great.

I think I have understood why it didn't work with "The One", I've been writing the story and reading you understand so much better. Analyzing it from an outsiders point of view, just like it wasn't me who lived trough it. I will post it as soon as I am able to and I will let you know and judge. I just think it was better this way, even though it hurts a lot and it is not easy at all, it still was just how it had to be.

Reading "The Unbearable Lightness of the being" by Milan Kundera and understanding things that I already knew but just didn't see it as clear.

My Notorious Thoughts: Wondering Why Fear Is So Powerful

2008-05-29T18:19:00.000-04:00

My Notorious Thoughts: Wondering Why Fear Is So Powerful

Wondering Why Fear Is So Powerful

2008-05-29T17:00:00.006-04:00

Almost Drunk................

What's my name???

Remember the Sleepless Nights Post? back on April...Wow time does go by and really fast...I said that I had been "Dumped" over msn but I actually wasn't. He asked me to have some time for ourselves and well I assumed we were over and I guess I was mistaken since he talked to me a couple of weeks back and asked me if I had thought of our relationship? I was pretty shocked over it and I had no time to think about it at the time but after all I have been given sings that have taken me to think of him a lot. I heard the radio and all and then this week I was just thinking of him all the time, so I really wanted to call him when the fear just took over me and I was unable to.

I've been thinking for days now why is it that fear gets to you and you can't let go of it? So, I started answering this question; I've been meaning to call someone and fighting with myself all the week just because I wanted really bad to talk to this person and I was so scared of I have No idea what ...I swear I don't. I thought of the reasons why I was "scared" of calling:

* That he picked up
* Wherever he was going to say
* Wherever I would have to answer to that
* Whether or not he would actually want to answer my call
* If he wanted to talk to me once he knew it was me!!

What I have right now:

* We are not talking
* I really wanted to know how he was doing
* I just wanted to talk to him
* I really wanted to know how he felt about us
* I really wanted to know whether we were something or I was actually single...hahaha

To Loose:

* Nothing!!!! Because this is exactly what I had.

To Get:

* Satisfaction, since I overcame my fear
* Talking to him, since this is what I wanted
* Knowing whether he wanted to talk to me or not
* Actually clarifying my feelings

So I gather all this together and called, yes I did. No one has the right to interfere in your decisions and most of all in your relationships and I have dedices upon it and I called.

The Results:

* He was expecting me to call.
* He was Happy I called ( Or I think he was...Nah He was!)
* I was happy he talked to me
* He had been thinking of me and talking about me TODAY!
* He asked me to call him whenever I thought of him
* I think we're still together.

I really want to give myself the chance to love him and to fall in love with him. I really want to if he lets me and if he wants to.I need to let go slowly but with someone meaningful and amazing, just like him. Maybe this is why I met "The One" I thought was the one ....just to met the one that might be the one. After all, I've heard it takes meeting all the wrong people to met the right one and then you never know when that happens.

I've Decided 2 Live 1 Day @ A Time...

2008-05-23T19:36:00.004-04:00

I just remember so much who I used to be and I've come to the conclusion I really liked that person I've left behind. So, after today I will be me again...I will take the chance and Love people and all that...yup I am going out tonight and I am a forget "him". If he is decided this is what he really wants then I will and I hope he is the happiest person ever but I have to move on or I will kill myself with the idea of what we could have been.

Belleza Latina 2008 is going great and I am happy I have given myself the chance to do this, it;s brought me back to life in so many ways. I am a keep living it up...Living La Vida Loca!!! Yay...Pics here...The Girls are so CUTE!! Loving it and trying to forget you...(not trying to hard 'cause then is where I remember YOU!).

Why does it have to be this hard? Wondering when will I forget you and whether it is going to be soon or not...

ღ.·LØVÉ QÙØTÈ$·.ღ

2008-05-22T20:57:00.004-04:00

I just liked the title that's all, I don't really have any love quotes now, except for:

"I'll Wait Here For You, If I am Part Of Your Dream...You'll Come Back One Day"

Pictures are here...See them and love them...'cause I do.

Dying & Breaking Up...

2008-05-22T13:38:00.004-04:00

I have been wondering if it is quite the same when you break up with someone and when they die?

I really mean to get a deep understanding in the matter, i do know that there is people that are "Good Friends" with their exes or so they say. I am not that type of person, I don't mean to say I just stop talking to them or just tell them off but they just slipped out of my life and I from theirs.

I saw P.S I Love You and I thought how much it is alike when someone dies and when you break up with these person, facts:

* You never see them again (If you are lucky enough).
* You never hear from them again.
* No one ever ask or talks about them again.
* Every time you see a picture or anything related to this person you hate the fact he/she is gone or just keep going so you don't have to remember it at all.
* Depending on who was the one who ended the relationship, you cry every time something reminds you of him/her and you can't get them out of your head even if you try really hard.
* When drunk you always seem of remember you still love them.
* There are empty spaces to be fill in your life, which the only person who can fill them is he/she.

I will keep my investigation open I do rest my case for now. What do you think? Is it the same?

The Day I Failed My G2

2008-05-20T11:25:00.004-04:00

It's 11:25am and I have just arrived from taking my G2 Test and yup as You read...I am extremely tired since I woke up at 5:00am this morning to be able to get to Clinton,ON in time to practice and take the stupid test! I was in Kitchener so it was a long drive there, I've been driving for 5 hours and I have practiced for weeks and spend tons of money on this and they failed me for a reason they are the only ones who seem to understand.

The fact is I was supposedly endangering others ...she said I could have killed someone just because my wheels were turned to the right when she asked me to turn right and I stopped while people crossed the street. According to her...even though I stopped if someone would have hit me in the back, then I would have killed the pedestrian!!!! Wherever!!! That doesn't make any sense but she said I did good, only it was a big mistake and I failed.

Also, at a stop sing where a three was blocking my view of traffic, I made my stop and then went a bit forward to have clear visibility and she like freaked out! So what am I supposed to do if I can see the cars coming? Just go and kill myself if someone is coming.

Definitely she didn't like me so she failed me for the dumbest reasons and all said, I missed my math test and wasted all morning, made my friend come all the way from Kitchener just to failed my test...THANK YOU!

Until I have taken and pass the test... I will have to use other methods of transportation, thank god I enjoyed this one:

I know the Video wasn't really professionally taken...I wonder how long it will take me to get to school in this ride?

What Scotch Whisky...Can Get Me To Do!!!

2008-05-19T19:37:00.004-04:00

I think I am not supposed to drink and I actually I don't but this weekend was different. I ended up in Kitchener after been invited to the Lion Safari and deciding that homework and other tasks could be put aside I left. So, I do now regardless of what I say that I am still very much in love with "The One" and I have not been talking to him or anything like that for months now.

Upon arriving in Kitchener Saturday @ 7:00pm and freaking out over the fact that I have my G2 test tomorrow and have not practiced at all for it, I just relaxed and came to my friend's place for the weekend. I haven't drink much in a long while because I don't really like it and there has not been a good reason to anyways. So Juan decided to get Grants and while I was seeing Juno ( which is an awesome movie), he decided I was being rude and I should come out and have some shots and so I did.

Thank God my cell does not have long distance calling because I got tipsy and I really wanted to talked to him, so yup I couldn't so I Facebook him and message him...which I only realized yesterday morning when dealing with the worst hangover EVER!!!!!!! This had never happened to me but I practically cannot remember what I did, I mean I couldn't have done much really but when it comes to "Him" it's hard to say. So I did message him and I don't even understand the message myself but he knows me a lot and knowing it was 2:00am he will probably guess I wasn't in all my senses when I wrote that.

After dealing with a six hour headache and not going to the Lion Safari 'cause the day was so cold, I've decided I will never drink again ...I swear I won't! Probably I will but just in case I think I won't. Especially while in love with him, because it can get pretty self destructive!

PS: I had the third dream yesterday...remember the one on predictive dreams...here it is the third one...I have no idea why ...but it is so weird..I think I'll see him or am I just going crazy?...Will let you know.

Beauty Equals Pain

2008-05-13T23:35:00.003-04:00

I've never been involved in any kind of activity that risks my well being in any way just to be "Better Looking" or if you want to say it "Beautiful". The things that really make me happy are very inexpensive and painless, but today was the exception. I was recommended to attend this massage sessions to model my body and make it look fantastic for the swim suit trials next week and I thought "why not"? I arrived quite late to my appointment after successfully haven gotten my photos taken by Puppetina!

When I enter "The Pain Room", I just want to say...OMG!! It hurt me so much I am still in pain ...I barely have any body fat but they've managed to absorb and massage the tiny bits I own and make me suffer hell on earth. I must say this is probably the most painful thing I'll ever do to look good...because the price is way too high to pay for something you will gain through exercise anyways. I will finish my sessions just this week and might never come back.

It might be that the first day is the worst one or w.e but I can't sit without swearing ! My tiny butt hurts!

2008-05-13T13:12:00.003-04:00

So, I am back. It's been a week or so...but I really wasn't kidding when I said I will make sure my life was meaningful. I started living by the RULES stated below and I have been quite successful, I must say happily so far..so GREAT!

I still do not wan to have children but I am in love with my BF's unborn child. I went last Friday to see her and it was amazing, i swear it was. I had the feeling it was a girl since I saw her even though they wouldn't tell at the clinic ...because wherever reasons they have to ruin your happiness. We were confirmed yesterday that indeed it is baby girl and she will be named Luna, so obviously this might change but as per now Luna get here!!! Will upload this pictures soon if i ever get them from Puppetina since she is been quite busy and I am begging for it!

LUNA

Went to choreography right after seeing Luna on Friday and had rehearsal for Belleza Latina 2008 and definitely had a blast, It was very good and I've decided I'll follow through with this regardless and after all. I joined the gym again YAY!!! Knowing the swimsuit try outs are next week and I really want to be in shape again, plus I've been a Hermit for way too long.

Some Updates To Know:

I scratched my brother-in-law's car on Saturday getting into the Galleria parking lot (If you go by and take a look...yup those black scratches on the wall, those i did). It wasn't really bad... sucks I didn't take a picture but I had to spend most day at the garage and it was $80 bucks. So, I'm literally broke after this weekend 'cause it was my mother's b-day on Saturday and you've guess how much I've spend while unemployed for the past four months living on loan and my tax returns, the only 100 left might take me through while I see what to do next.

I joined Tango classes too (where i should actually be right now...will explain will I am not there...in Beauty Equals Pain). I always wanted to do professional ballroom dancing and here I go!

As school goes it's going pretty good too. I've dropped out of that Introduction to Sociology, Anthropology and Psychology class and stick instead with the Math that i actually need to graduate, got appointment tomorrow @ 2:00pm to get register in Self Study for the last credit I need to finish in JUNEEEEEE!!!

I will have my first Hot Yoga class tomorrow and I already went buying all the required materials.

I think this s it for now, I will post pictures on Belleza Latina 2008, also will post pictures of all puzzles I've done.

Have a photoshot with Paula today !

So Dear Doug:
Yes you can live by the rules and follow them if
you focus on it....Loving Life, Loving ME but
Seriously IN LOVE with LUNA!

Loving life Regardless

2008-05-06T01:05:00.004-04:00

So here it is...the craziest day so far in 2008. "In need of an epiphany" - I thought this morning - well and it all happened very fast but it happened.I had an epiphany or I swear i did at least and that's good enough for now. So after complaining so much for the last three days, I saw The Diving Bell and The Butterfly movie and realized everything is just okay with me and my life.

I love it and will live up to it from now on, I will do as follows:

~ Do everything I always wanted to do.
~ Life to do anything I want and not others.
~ Ignore anything that makes me unhappy.
~ Work to achieve All of my dreams and goals.
~ Never, ever give up on anything I enjoy doing.
~ Choose wherever it is I want to do next.
~ Go wherever I want to go.
~ Not fear to love because I've been previously hurt.
~ Ignore that money is such a big obstacle to achieve certain things.

There is definitely no reason why I should not do this, I need to ignore most people from now on and specially those who want me to do as they wish instead of what I wish. There are priorities and my priority must be me...will be me from today on.

2008-05-04T11:13:00.003-04:00

Are Dreams Predictions?

2008-05-03T20:50:00.003-04:00

There is some people that make a huge impact on your life and somehow and for some weird reason just stay behind. Now I have always wondered whether dreams are predictions or only wishes of your heart. I have experienced dreams that come truth but only when I dream of the same thing three times and not in a row but just spread out, the deal is I do dream on it three times and then it just happens. It's quite scary too, just because lately I've been dreaming with someone I once felt a lot for and I know for some reason I feel I will see him again.

I just dreamed of it again last night and I decided it should be blogged because if I dream on this again I am almost certain it will happen. So here it is I never got to say many things or do many things with this person but i did felt deep down for him and I have been dreaming we are together ...like really happily ever after together kind of thing. I have no idea if I will see him or not but it just seemed so weird knowing I have no contact with him whatsoever and I have no contact with nobody that makes me talk about him.

If I ever get to dream something like it with him I will for sure know it will happen, it's the second time within a month I've have this dream. I also heard that dreams remind people of others when the person you're dreaming with thinks about you a lot. That can be it too, but who knows and I won't ask so let see if it happens again or not.

Loving "The One"

2008-05-02T09:36:00.000-04:00

Love isn't meant to be falling for anyone.

Patience pays off, waiting will be rewarded.

Wait til your soul says 'This is the One',

Then you'll be sure that,

Although you might get hurt, pain you can endure,

Because you know that you are meant to be.

And you'll wait however long is necessary,

for the one you love to realize that.

The Real World

2008-05-01T23:09:00.000-04:00

Sometimes even though we know the truth ... we decide that lying is the best way to hide sadness and fake happiness but in real life when we walk down the street on the path we have chosen to take and see that people are so unreal and that lying has become the best thing to do, we wonder whether or not to do the same thing. Well seems to me like destiny is giving me the answer now.

After listening to something i sure did already know i still feel quite disappointed on people and i do keep trying to explain myself that you cannot pay people they way they pay yo... you know like "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind" ???
I have no idea how people can hate so easily or i just have such big heart that regardless of what people do to me I still only see the good and let the bad go away, after all keeping those memories inside your head just make you a sad, angry person against the world and makes you feel upset about life. So, yes people will continue being just that people... reckless humans if they even deserve to be call humans.

Heartless person walking towards the sad, unhappy destiny they've created for themselves. I am quite worried, i think i am heartless... I've just heard something that should make me very, very sad and angry and yet the only thing I feel is Nothing. I really feel nothing? O No ... I think I feel nothing. Maybe I am just ignoring what i already knew because I don't think my heart and soul deserve to be hurt by others, if this is it then good for me.. I've learned and I've forgiven and forgotten.

Sure there is a difference between being really nice and very stupid, I think I know the difference but I still feel the need of doing good to people and so i will, very carefully that is and I will think twice before handing out my heart for open heart surgery to those I feel will appreciate who i am.

Loving people, loving life and most definitely in love with Honesty !!!

The Comeback

2008-05-01T12:00:00.000-04:00

Here I am again, writing on my blog and scare of everything I’ve decided to do. I might not really be scare of what I am doing so much but of the people I’ll see while doing it, it’s just that you never know what people are thinking and what they expect when they look at you after such a long time. When you really love someone and I am not only referring to your beloved one but to certain friends and persons that made such big impact in your life at a point and randomly disappeared at another. The thing is you always wonder what if? Well suddenly here it is, the opportunity to see them and share with them again and it’s scary.

On the other hand, I am still trying to pick up the pieces of me that have been left behind and I can’t see how to make them fit in the puzzle of my current lifestyle. I have decided that when I am actually able to get the 6000 puzzle that I started over a month ago done and over with, then I will have decided where to go and what to do. It’s just something that came up to me while realizing that it was just like my life and the fact that when I really want to do something a lot of things come up that just don’t allow me to get things done the way I want to. Here is a picture of the puzzle and if I could take a picture of my brain, soul and heart they will most likely look like this.

Pictures are up for Belleza Latina 2008 and I have not yet seen the newspaper but I think is out too, I have to get back to the gym and start doing so many things next week I just can’t understand how it’s all fitting on it’s own just like parallel parking…you know how you let the car go and just give it a little help and if you’re doing in properly it will get in straight on it’s own? Well, just like that I am just turning my steering wheel and my life might just do it on its own.

I guess this will be it for now, trying to get around Dreams, Flashbacks and Memories but words just seem not to come to me in the way I need to write it. Will get it done and up before tomorrow.

Dreams, Flashbacks and Memories

2008-04-30T21:44:00.000-04:00

“You must know that in any moment a decision you make can change the course of your life forever: the very next person stand behind in line or sit next to on an airplane, the very next phone call you make or receive, the very next movie you see or book you read or page you turn could be the one single thing that causes the floodgates to open, and all of the things that you've been waiting for to fall into place.”

I had kept this paragraph in a draft here for years, I have no idea where it came from or where it was meant to go. I wanted to write all about dreams just because I keep hearing people say just get him out of your mind and get busy, you know no chat, phone, pictures, letters or any other thing that makes you remember he is or was ever alive and so later on you will not even remember he existed. Well, i sure have done all of it and then what about every time i dream of him all night or when sings come to me and his name pops up everywhere?

So whenever i get to fall sleep and start dreaming of him and the way I wish we were, it just all seems so easy and beautiful. The fact that I think this was the first time I really felt in love with someone and he just slipped out of my life so fast and without a trace is no longer here hurts.

I think what hurts the most is the memories I keep seeing over and over again in my head, how come happy moments last seconds even if took years to make them happen? It just takes so much time to forget someone you loved so much but i know I have to let this beautiful memories go away so that when I remember them, they don't hurt as much.

Wishes of him and I together keep hunting me with flashbacks of him laying down in my bed and the desire of the plans we made being real.

After all:

“If you can't, you must. If you must, you can.”

Me, myself and I

2008-04-30T21:04:00.000-04:00

So its 8:34pm and I have so much to do, I haven’t been able to get anything done today because I keep thinking on how time has taken away so much of who I really was and now destiny or karma or whatever it is has decided to dump everything on me at once and show me that I really need to go back to the person I used to be instead of the person I’ve become.

It’s been two months since I came back from Colombia and from then on it seems like my routine is to keep on waiting on something to hit me, to go back to reality and I think it finally did, I’ve recently taken ways and making choices just for the sake of doing something but really why do experiences and people you met change or let’s say influence your life so highly.

Once I came back from Colombia on February the 27th and thought I had my life so perfectly planned there was no reason to panic or to even dream of something better I decided to start a journal, I had gotten this cute book (kind of diary thing) at a book store in Bogotá and never really thought I will be writing on it because I tend to plan so much I never get to do it. As I landed in Toronto after living the longest ten hours of my life and recovering from crying all the way there, it took me hours to finally get down to catch my Robert Q bus home to London, I realized I had been in Colombia and everything had happened so fast that I didn’t even enjoy or actually live those months. I sat at the airport and started writing on this journal, so many of those memories just came rushing in my head like rain pouring from the sky.

I wrote and read all, I felt and realized this was so useful, I have been keeping up with it as often as my schedule allows me to and I decided it was a really good idea and it is all about getting used to it and not let too many days go by without writing on it. Sincerely it has showed me the many things that can happen to you in a single day, a simple 24 hour day and it has also revealed the fact that days can go by unadvertised and be forgotten easily, days that I sit down and think …seriously what did I do on Monday? It’s so sad to think that we let days go by and do nothing meaningful to make them valuable and memorable.

I am quite scare to face that person I’ve put aside over the past two years, I know I’ve been hiding from the person I am and focusing on being this person people has created. I think it’s enough and I do believe in sings and destiny, so from now on I am just going to focus on re – creating myself and I am going to try and remember that person I used to be. I will dream again and live everyday to do something not anything but something that will make me happy and make my life worth living.

"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be".

This week has given me the privilege of remembering who I was and has brought me time with people I met long ago when I wasn’t who I have become, and this reminded me of this quote it’s now proven to be real, I lived it and I am living it yet again. Thank God it finally hit me or else I will keep living this senseless life. To those who are back and to me who is back too! Great !

Sleepless Nights

2008-04-30T14:35:00.001-04:00

When there is no way to please everyone and you try so hard to make others happy, you start leaving yourself behind and there is a point where you just can’t keep going on like this. How hard can it be to make people understand the fact that giving and not getting anything in return not only hurts but ruins feelings. After being dumped over msn yesterday and deciding to really think about what happened today, I still cannot believe there are persons that blindly love themselves so much they can’t even see how much others love them or what they are doing to make them happy. It is predictable that whenever they stop and realize they’ve lost people over and over again and feel lonely, they will have to accept that it takes two to make a relationship work and it is a big deal when you start finding easy ways out to get someone out of your life.

Is still pretty irritating when you think that people can’t be honest and it pisses me off when they are so much older than me and still act in such immature ways. I have no idea why there is people that can’t handle the truth and they want it all the time, being honest is a talent not too many have and a problem not too many can deal with. Now it’s been too many days that I barely sleep or eat properly and I can’t get the thought out of my head, I guess it does take time to forget and yes, it is a very serious topic. Which is really the easiest and fastest way to forget someone? I have no idea and I probably will never have the answer anyway, but there sure is a question that will remain on my head.
About love…
How to love and not to let it get out of hand when you are supposed to give everything and get the same? Well I guess you just have to love people regardless and give as much as you can and as long as you want to, without hurting yourself. It’s still sad to think there might never be someone that gives it all too. Is there really a perfect moment or place to tell the person you love that you will no longer love them? How long does this feeling last anyway? … Does it have to be this hard?

Time Goes By...& Not So Slowly

2008-04-30T12:40:00.000-04:00

So, I know...it's been years. I tried to keep up with the blog but it was so much harder knowing I also tried to keep up with live and there you go, I obviously was unable to make it happen to make it happen but here I am back and hopefully if all goes well I will stay for ever? Not knowing how long forever is anymore since nowadays time does not give me the privilege of planning or dreaming anymore. So much has happen and really nothing seems to be meaningful or unforgettable, I did have a close encounter with my past and fell in love with the illusion of a future that is now just the dream of something else that could have been! Unfortunately, did not go back to school in all this time and now I have to catch up on credits or I will be doom to working always and anywhere and never liking the life I am living.

The past two years have been so incredibly revealing too and they have pushed me into giving everything a second thought, even though you’re supposed to learn from your mistakes it seems to be something I do not have the ability to do. Happily I think after all the wrong that has been done to me, I have finally become what all they wanted and I definitely try to move on and not really care for whatever happens to anyone anymore. I must say to be honest and I mean perfectly honest; I am still pretty much in love with the idea that someday people will be more appreciative of the ones that do good to them and yet again I have been so disappointed it’s hard to think I will trust people again.

Since it’s been so long and I could write a book on the things I’ve had to experienced to get back in here, I am just going to start by posting some pictures of some really important people that I met and just let my words come to me so that I can explain the good an evil they’ve done to me. I’ve been unfortunate and stupid all at once.

Names to remember, the ex which I thought will be the one Ivan Cardenas and the friend which I know is the one Paula Vergara who is a.k.a Puppetina, and who is also expecting my first puppetinito nephew Lumon ( we do not know whether it’s a girl or a boy so Luna or Simon = Lumon). Will continue later, I now understand the importance of socializing, I can even write properly and it’s taking me years to know how to spell. Pictures to come and life to live...and such sadness to look back and see nothing has really changed or gotten better.

Thank God or destiny or facebook to get real, I finally saw Doug yesterday and remembered I have a blog TODAY! Somehow glad am alive.

Choices

2006-11-28T08:50:00.000-05:00

I wish I could say I know what should my next step be, but I don't. I am as uncertain on wheter to jump or not that I actually need to find a way to get where I belong or to find what I truly want. Somehow it's so much better when you need to help somebody else make choices in life, being an outsider your point of view it's so much better; but when it comes to my own life I just don't know where to go. It's really much, much better when you don't have as many things to choose from. Then I wouldn't have to write down every thought and see wheter or not and how bad will it affect my future or my present. Anyways, after so many years of having nothing to do and nowhere to run, now it's like God is telling me " Okay, you've been waiting forever. Take it all." Well it sucks because I can't actually take it all, I need to go somewhere and do something right away and I dunno where to go. I guess that as I've always said "What's meant to be. Will always find it's way" and I should see a clear vision on where to go soon enough....or at least I do hope so!

With luck and prosperity knocking on your door, as it is now, katherin, you may be turning a deaf ear to the slow, nurturing, grounding force that is asking you to put on the brakes in regards to a certain project or relationship. Don't brush aside this message from the cosmos that may seem rather annoying at first, but in actuality is quite beneficial to your goals. Keep yourself open to outside advice at this time.

A Hectic Morning Of My Daily Life

2006-10-07T08:48:00.000-04:00

Most people think I have super powers and I obtain my energy from a source that you can't easily find anywhere. Take a look at one of my typical week mornings and judge by yourself:

I wake up at 10 pm (yes,yes...10 pm...like at night), I get ready to go to work and after 8 crazy hours of taking everything that can happen when you work for members of Home & Auto in a midnight shift. At 7am I get ready for my morning run, I gather everything together and set myself up praying I will not get a last minute call; with my cursor pointing at the logout sing to click on it as soon as my clock hits 7 sharp. All of this just trying to avoid an insane headache that comes from a chain of events if I miss the 5 Springbank that goes by at 7:05am. As soon as I logout, push myself out of my station, run to my locker to leave my headset, leaving my time-sheet on the way out and Set...GO!!! Run, run, run like speedy gonzales down the stairs and get out of Galleria to keep running for 2 blocks until finally almost out of breathe I make it miraculously to the bus. This ...obviously when ...i actually make it to the bus, before it leaves me behind and then it will all be really bad because i will get late to school were i have to be most days from 8:20am - to 3:00pm, taking two credits i need to graduate and one I do not need for anything at all, which fills my schedule so that i have less time to enjoy and more to waste. I do not own a car or anyone in my family so I have to wait for the bus after school, which is pretty sad because i have to catch two buses to get home but it takes me 15 mts to walk home. I only take the bus because i am Exhausted from at than point a 17 hour "Day" and i do not have any energy left to walk home.

I usually and when lucky get home by 4:00pm which leaves me 6 hours to sleep, hours from which i only sleep 5 if that because there is so many other things to get done, including homework which takes time when well done, that doesn't let me get to bed anytime before 5:00pm.

So that is from Friday to Tuesday since i do have Wednesday & Thursday from work and i obviously do not have school over the w/end but it all together just makes my life so predictable and that just to say i have an actual life which honestly i think i don't, i mean eventually i will not know anyone and ever again go out because my shift doesn't allow me to go anywhere when other can.

More on this....maybe later.

An introduction to my world...

2006-10-06T16:27:00.000-04:00

Let me introduce you to my little world; full of love, hate and hope. I am dreamer who never stops!

Dreams of gold make my little world interesting, people goes by and leave a bit of themselves with me, as they come and go like shooting stars I do my best to give them my happiest moments and my most honest advise.

Not many still hanging around, but it's good to remember while they drop by something is still alive - the feeling that everything happens for a reason and since not much will last forever - I take the best off them and leave the best of myself in a word that might never be forgotten.

I often grab a book and engulf my brain with some new thoughts, I try to learn from those who know better than me somehow from everyone there is something to grab on to. I have discovered the most inspirational way to live my life is to follow this two:

- William Shakespeare's knowledge about life

&

- Desiderata ( A guide to a better life). http://www.geocities.com/lswote/desiderata.html

My Notorious Thoughts

To ...LoVe?????????????

Moving In, Moving Out, Moving On

The Words I Long To Hear

While Seeing An Airplane....

Is it Over?

Times of Insanity

Unbelievable

Finally

The Purpose of My Existance

Here it goes

InsPirEd.............................

...Feeling$

ThE PuZzLe .....M& lIF3

The Sky Is The Limit

In LoVe!!

Wishing For Better Things!

Belleza Latina 2008!!

...PictureS...

ThE cUrSe!

Wouldn't It Be NiCe?

On Love

My Birthday Resolutions

Legally Able To.........?

Just Sadness

Love In The World

Words, People, Thoughts

R.I.P MonachitO

WhaT MakeS U Happy

So Much Going On...

My Notorious Thoughts: Wondering Why Fear Is So Powerful

Wondering Why Fear Is So Powerful

I've Decided 2 Live 1 Day @ A Time...

ღ.·*LØVÉ QÙØTÈ$*·.ღ

Dying & Breaking Up...

The Day I Failed My G2

What Scotch Whisky...Can Get Me To Do!!!

Beauty Equals Pain

Loving life Regardless

Are Dreams Predictions?

Loving "The One"

The Real World

The Comeback

Dreams, Flashbacks and Memories

Me, myself and I

Sleepless Nights

Time Goes By...& Not So Slowly

Choices

A Hectic Morning Of My Daily Life

An introduction to my world...

ღ.·LØVÉ QÙØTÈ$·.ღ